Survival uses for the Exponent

As outdoor enthusiasts, it is very important to know what to do in survival situations. You’re lost, unaware of your surroundings. A storm is rolling in and your friend has a broken leg. There’s no more food and the temperature is dropping quickly. What do you do? Luckily, as an avid reader and collector of the Exponent, you are prepared with hundreds of copies, including this one. Listed below are survival uses for the Exponent, the only piece of gear assured to be with you at all times.

Fire: Perhaps the most obvious use for the Exponent, since, you know, it’s paper. Use the newspaper to start a fire. You will also need a lighter or matches. If carrying an excessively large amount of Exponents (as you always should), the papers can be rolled very tightly into logs, an essential when above tree line in the alpine environment.

Warmth: With the remaining Exponents not used to create and supply the fire, pages of the Exponent can be torn, wrinkled up and stuffed into pieces of clothing. It is practically like adding down to a down jacket, insulating and adding a layer of warmth to your body. While not as comfy as down, spending the time to tear up the papers into very small pieces could possibly create the effect of down. This also works as a way to waste time when you are slowly dying while lost in the woods. Additionally, if supplied with enough newspapers and staples, actual clothing can be made, with baffles which can then be stuffed full of other Exponents.

Sun: Turn an Exponent edition into a hat. By folding it a bunch, or using tree sap, a basic sun hat can be made.

Style: Another hat. Or flip flops. Sunglasses?

Shelter: When a storm hits, you don’t want to be stuck in the rain. To create a nice, sealed shelter to hold off the elements, all you need is a portable laminator and a stack of Exponents. First, laminate enough pages of the Exponent to make a shelter. Tape it together or use laminate plastic to hold the pages together. Next, use Exponents to line the inside of the shelter you made. Boom, a cozy home. Note that this also works as a place to live if you don’t want to live in the dorms.

Entertainment: Read the Exponent, or tear it up into confetti and throw it around. Failing miserably at the Sudoku on the back will also lead to a decrease in boredom, or possibly just insanity.

If Nature Calls: Tear out the Outdoors section of the Exponent, as it tends to be the most useless component. Proceed to wipe.

Hunting: Roll the Exponent into a funnel, blow into the small, rolled end like a trumpet. It sounds exactly like an elk bugle. Once the elk arrives, use a page of the Exponent to attack the elk, wounding it with paper cuts. Then use Exponents to build a fire to cook the meat.

Food: I guess you could eat the Outdoors section.

If you are looking for extra Exponents, find them in the Exponent office.