Back to the Future day has come and gone, and many of its predictions failed to come true. There are no hover boards, the Cubs did not win the World Series and military flame throwers did not become childhood toys (that last one was in the pirated version).
However, that has not stopped me from making my predictions of the future. Presented here is an imagining of what attending Bobcat football will look like 30 years from now.
Son: Dad I’m so excited to see my first Bobcat football game!
Dad: Son I’m proud to take you. I remember I was your age when I went to my first game.
(Dad and Son reach the stadium terminal. Dad pulls out his phone, which is scanned and admits the two to the game)
Son: Dad, why did you use your cell phone to get into the game?
Dad: Because son, in the future everything is run through your cell phone.
(Dad and Son go to the concession stands for two hot dogs and drinks totaling $75.50.)
Son: Dad, why does food cost so much money?
Dad: Because son, in the future everything costs a lot of money.
(Dad and Son reach their section.)
Son: Dad, why aren’t we allowed to sit in seats?
Dad: Because son, in the future sitting is illegal. After we cured cancer, heart disease and teenage acne, the leading cause of death became sitting.
Son: Even second-hand sitting?
Dad: Especially second-hand sitting.
PA: And now ladies and gentlemen and aliens, please direct your attention to the scoreboard for a special message from Emperor Donald Trump.
Son: Dad, why is Donald Trump Emperor for Life?
Dad: Because son, in the future Emperor Trump replaces the 22nd Amendment with a failed casino.
Son: Dad, since this event has already happened in our timeline, wouldn’t it be proper to say, “In the past?”
Dad: Shut up, boy.
Emperor Trump: Greetings my fabulous peasants. I, the Benevolent Emperor Trump, am here to tell you Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump…
(After the twenty minute address, the teams take the field, with the band playing the school fight song.)
Son: Dad, why are the band members making music by rubbing their naked butts against record players?
Dad: Because son, in the future all popular music is made by rubbing naked butts against record players. Believe me, it’s a marked improvement from 2015.
(The Bobcats kickoff, and the opposing team fields the ball at the 5. The ball carrier runs to the 20 before a Bobcat defender crushes him to death with his teeth and talons. The rest of the defense arrives to begin feasting on the ball carrier.)
Son: Dad, why are football games played by cloned velociraptors?
Dad: Because son, in the future all football games are played by cloned velociraptors. After all of the concussions and injuries that plagued the game, the government decided football games played by cloned dinosaurs would be safer.
Son: Dad, why do you keep saying “in the future?” It’s the present day for us, and the phrase “in the future” serves only to benefit the reader.
Dad: Son, what did I tell you about breaking the fourth wall?
Son: It’s a cheap trick of second-rate writers bereft of talent and/or a compelling narrative and Hideo Kojima.
Dad: Exactly, now, recharge your batteries, you’re running low.
Son: Dad, why do we need to recharge our batteries?
Dad: Because son, in the future we are all robots.