Will’s World: Rejected press conference questions, Pt. 2

Renowned American journalist Edward R. Murrow once said, “Get these ants out of my pants!”

Oops, sorry that was someone else. What he really said was, “To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; credible we must be truthful.” Clearly I — and a high percentage of cable news journalists — have no idea what this means.

That being said, in my exhaustive search for truth and understanding, I compiled a list of questions for MSU Head Coach Rob Ash. However, after discussing these questions with my editor, brother, grandmother and a mysterious weary traveler with an eye patch and a collection Betamax cassettes, the universal poor reaction convinced me otherwise. I’ll let you decide for yourself.

“Coach Ash, your passing offense has averaged 312 yards per game, eighth in the country. With that in mind, what are your thoughts on the Greek bailout and what effect it might have on the Russian occupation of the Crimea?”

“What are you going to dress up for Halloween? Spiderman? I’m guessing Spiderman.”

“Coach Ash, your defense is ranked 118th out of 123 schools, allowing 487 totals yards per game. With that in mind, do you think oil production in the Bakken is sustainable?”

“Where’s my pen?”

“Head Coach Dave Arnold of the 1984 National Championship team had dark hair. Would you be willing to have dark hair?”

“How long does food digest in the small intestine?”

“Guess what I’m dress up for Halloween? Did you guess Spiderman? You should guess Spiderman.”

“Should Henry Kissinger be tried for war crimes?”

“Head Coach and Bobcat Chuck Norris Sonny Holland of the 1976 National Championship team played center in his younger years.  Would you be willing to play center in your younger years?”

“My spoon is too big.”

“How excited are you for the release of Star Wars: Battlefront, available on PS4, XBOX One and

PC this November?”

“Head Coach Toni Storti of the 1956 National Championship team has six letters in his last name. Would you be willing to have six letters in your last name?”

“Why am I so lonely?”

“Coach Ash, your defense gave up 506 yards to Northern Arizona, 667 yards to Eastern Washington and 682 yards to Portland State. With that in mind, what was wrong … with The Godfather Part 3?”Illustration by Kalie Murphy

Dónde está el queso y burro?”

“I’m a banana.”

(This question has been omitted due to graphic nature, strong language and poor gardening tips)

Of course, Coach Ash would be too wise to humor these questions, though he may have said, “Will, frankly I expected you to dress up as Elsa from Frozen. Good night and good luck … with these security guards.”