I have an announcement

As you take in the game this weekend at Bobcat Stadium, take notice of that voice inside your head. No, not that voice . . . stop writing “redrum”, that carpet is not scotch guarded. I’m talking about the voice that rings in your ears until the day you die: the stadium public address announcer.

Most football stadiums in America utilize the stadium public address announcer (PA) for a number of tasks. PA’s are responsible for recapping every play, addressing the fans when needed, and reading various advertisements, among other things. The Bobcats have had PAs for as long as I can remember, and they’ve all been very good. But I have a few thoughts I’d like to share, and if you’re reading this, let’s face it, you literally have nothing better to do.

First, does anyone else find it odd that the powers that be decided we needed an immediate recap of the play that just happened in front of us? You just saw it! Sure you might be interested in getting the name of the ball carrier and/or tackler, but unless you’re sitting in row 999 with a pair of binoculars, crampons, three tanks of oxygen, an existential sense of dread and a Sherpa, you can probably get some idea as to who made the play. Another thing— often times you’ll hear the PAs announce a positive play for the home team with a little more excitement, but not much.

“Twelve yard pass from Prukop to Griebel good for a Bobcat first down!”

Boring. Personally, I’d like to hear some die-hard fans make these calls over the loudspeakers.

“Holy $@#%! Prukop with an amazing twelve thousand million yard pass to Griebel! Take that you incompetent defensive back! Your mother never loved you!  Super Bowl!”

Another issue of mine is announcements the PAs make to the fans.  Quoted here is a typical announcement: “We request your cooperation by supporting the participants and officials in a positive manner. Profanity, racial or sexist comments or other intimidating actions . . . will not be tolerated and are grounds for removal from the game.”

Well what good is that going to do? Is the average avid sports fan going to change their ways from such a statement? I think PAs would be a lot more effective if they said something like this:  “Profanity, racial or sexist comments will result in the following. First, you will be removed from the game, but not by traditional means. Instead you will be removed by catapult. Should you survive you will be dressed in a chicken suit and forced to pick up trash during the Butte St. Patrick’s Day Parade, where drunken patrons will be encouraged to hurl glass bottles in your direction. You will then be shipped overseas where you will serve 3-5 years of hard labor in a Moroccan prison.” Something like that might give belligerent fans second thoughts.

One more thing— PAs these days have a ridiculous amount of sponsorships to read, “Case IH Red Zone”, “Blue Cross Blue Shield Starting Lineups” and “Bobcat Prowl presented by Polaris.” This is not their doing of course, and I suppose the Bobcats are paid a pretty penny to say these sponsorships, but does anyone else think this could eventually get out of hand?

“13 yard run by Brekke puts the Cats on the Susan’s Organic Scotch Tape 41 and a half yard line.”

“Taylor Sheridan with the 5 yard sack . . . sponsored by Bozeman Piano Repair and Blimp Dealership.”

“Injury timeout on the field . . . brought to you by Obamacare!”

You typically won’t hear PA’s say anything controversial. I suppose this makes sense, as no school would wish to alienate certain fans, but imagine what a little variety in announcers might sound like.

For example, a conservative announcer, “Carter intercepts the pass . . . similar to how patriotic American voters will hopefully intercept Obamacare and every other socialist policy put forth by this administration that will surely bankrupt this country and its morals this election season.”

A liberal announcer, “The Grizzlies fumble the football . . . similar to how republicans continue to fumble their efforts to aid the average American, but instead only serve the rich, who are solely responsible for this nation’s vast wealth inequality and declining middle class.”

The conservative announcer again, “What gives? You stole my bit, and why do we both have microphones?”

A bummer announcer, “Ladies and Gentlemen be sure to check out the concession stands for some delicious food, keeping in mind of course that some people in this town have no food at all.”

A drunk announcer, “Er . . . eh . . . um . . . pickles . . . No, I love you! No, I love you!”

A millennial announcer, “ . . . Sorry I missed that last play. I was too busy photographing my food and casually calling people ‘racist’ and/or ‘sexist’ on Twitter, hashtag activism.”

An announcer who needs a friend, “Folks I’m sure you feel the same guilt as I do for burdening the Earth with our presence, slowly poisoning the land and its waters, depleting the planet of its resources, ensuring a worse tomorrow for our future generations. Not to mention the dysfunctional government they will inherit that is systemically incapable of handling these problems. Can I get a hug? There are 23,345 of you, a Bobcat Stadium attendance record; surely one of you can spare this poor soul a hug?”

Perhaps it’s for the best that everything remains the same. Wouldn’t you agree? Great, Johnny here brought an ax.