Greetings freshmen, and welcome to the Montana State University campus. As a new student you may have a number of questions, ranging from “how do I get good grades?” to how to “find a special someone to call my own?” Well, this column is definitely the wrong place for that. For those two questions the best, lame advice I give is “suck up to your teachers at all times” and “present your potential mate with a gift, either a box of paperclips, a sack of oranges or a subscription to ‘The Economist.’”
However, if your question is, “What should I know about attending a Bobcat football game?” You have come to the right place. Presented here are our pointers to help enhance your live football viewing experience.
If you want to be seen on TV, get front and center. If you want to actually be able to tell the difference between a five yard gain and a five yard loss, get a seat in the upper stands or on the sides of the lower bowl.
For those hot September games, water is a precious resource. Consider this wisely should you try to sneak in booze, which my editors tell me you shouldn’t.
Don’t stand with your brother or sister of the opposite sex lest you wind up on the kiss cam.
If you do wind up on the kiss cam with someone unrelated, either kiss the person if they agree, or make it well known to the cameraman that you want no part of it. You should not stand like a deer in headlights for 30 seconds as the crowd, your family and your statistics teacher’s children heckle and humiliate you — not that that happened to me or anything.
Try to make friends with people who live nearby so you have a place within walking distance to tailgate or crash after your consumption of adult beverages.
Do not throw snow onto the field! You will be found and ejected, and you will deserve it. I think all offenders should be “volunteered” as tackle dummies for the next week of practice. Ditto for dopes who decide to run on the field, but the Geneva folks said it was too “inhumane.”
You yell when the Cats defense is on the field. When the Cats offense is on the field, you should remain silent! Some people have yet to figure this out. The whole point of crowd noise is to disrupt the visiting team’s offense. If the Cats are on offense and I can’t hear Rob Ash talk about Downton Abbey and his favorite upholstery while standing 50 yards away, someone is talking too loud.
If you plan to go shirtless, check the weather. We do not need any more amputated nipples.
Hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps is a fantastic combination, especially if you need a combination of warmth and numbing (assuming legal procurement and consumption).
After the Cats score a touchdown, the cheerleaders give out free pizza coupons. You will never ever get one.
Well, that’s about it from me. I suppose one final trinket of advice is this: games are much more fun when attended in the company of friends. Hopefully these friends will provide you better answers to the questions posed above. I’m still waiting on mine.