In this day and age, it is important for journalists (and fake journalists) to ask the tough questions to get to the bottom of the story and discover the truth. This has been exemplified by many of America’s finest journalists, like Brian Williams, Ron Burgundy, Geraldo Rivera and Kent Brockman.
In order to fulfill my standards as a (fake) journalist, I devised a series of important questions to ask Head Coach Rob Ash at last week’s Bobcat Signing Day press conference. After serious deliberations with my father, friends and this guy in a trench coat by a dumpster, I decided to forgo these questions based on their unanimously negative reactions.
Frankly, I think they deprived everyone of a great press conference. I’ll let you be the judge:
“Coach Ash, you recruited seven defensive lineman and six linebackers. With that in mind, what are your thoughts on the Measles outbreak and what effect if any it might have on the value of the Euro?”
“Do you feel Selma should have been nominated for an Academy Award for Best Director and Best Actor?”
“All of the players you signed have vowels in their names, does your coaching staff specifically target such players?”
“Do you prefer your Disney princesses to be adorkable?”
“You brought in two quarterbacks and no running backs. With that in mind, do you feel that the current low price of oil is sustainable?
“How much would a woodchuck chuck downfield against Cover 2 man coverage with zone help from the safeties on third down and 10 given this new group of wide receivers?
“Is there a God?”
“All of the players you signed are members of the Chordata phylum, does your coaching staff specifically target such players?”
“Head Coach Dave Arnold of the 1984 National Championship team had a mustache. Would you be willing to grow a mustache?
“Jamie Dornan is no Christian Grey! This isn’t a question; I just wanted to make my thoughts clear.”
“If Mongo is only a Pawn in the Game of Life, could he possibly convert to Rook should he slim his figure and improve his lateral speed?” (Note: If you do not understand that Blazing Saddles reference, we can never be friends).
“Head Coach Sonny Holland of the 1976 National Championship team had a buzzcut. Would you be willing to get a buzzcut?”
“Te gusta el queso?”
“Head Coach Toni Storti of the 1956 National Championship team had his last name end with an ‘i.’ Would you be willing to end your last name with an ‘i?’”
“You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Well I’m the only one here. Wait a minute, no I’m not; this room is full of people.”
“Did Dewey really defeat Truman?”
(This question has been redacted due to it’s exceedingly strange nature. That’s right, we tell you it’s been redacted instead of simply eliminating it.)
Perhaps they had a point. After all, as the eloquent man in the trenchcoat said, Coach Ash could respond to any of these questions by simply saying, “I don’t know Will. But I do know we have some nice security guards who could answer that question for you.”