John’s Sports Talk: Welcome to the Redzone

Watching football will never be the same. If you’ve ever watched NFL RedZone you know exactly what I’m talking about. For those of you still watching football 20th-century style, RedZone is a channel completely dedicated to the most exciting moments in NFL football — commercial free and in real time. It whips around from game to game showing teams that have entered the “red zone” (a.k.a teams going in to score), as well as real time highlights of big plays including every touchdown scored. The network grabs your attention and doesn’t let go for seven straight hours, and did I mention there are no commercials?

RedZone is definitely made for our generation of football fans. Everyone knows what studies say about how our generation has no attention span and we can’t focus for more than a few seconds. RedZone is like having iPod A.D.D., except instead of flipping through songs every thirty seconds, this channel flips through a dozen football games faster than you can say “iTunes.” The last time something felt this good and addicting was when the nurse in the ER gave me synthetic morphine shots as I waited for emergency surgery (long story). Of course this was football and not drugs, so it couldn’t be that bad right?

Doubts about the wonderfulness of RedZone began to creep into my mind after I woke up from the football-induced coma and realized I had sat in a chair hours upon end, staring at a TV screen without eating anything all day. Not to mention I was behind on homework, but what’s new. That little voice inside my head called my conscience — or Jiminy Cricket if you were brainwashed by Disney as a youngster — began to tell me I should have been more productive, that it is possible to have too much of a good thing, and that sitting in front of a TV for hours is bad for my health.

As I began to ponder about it I guiltily realized the voice was right; I needed to find a more productive and healthy hobby than watching RedZone for seven hours every Sunday. It was because of this realization I can’t recommend RedZone to any of you. Do not watch it! Not even once; you will become addicted and you will lose friends and lovers in the process. As for me, I don’t think it is too late. I am going to listen to my conscience and go hiking with my friends next weekend before the nice weather ends. Maybe I’ll even get ahead on homework.

Who am I kidding, I’m already addicted. I want another shot of RedZone — friends and homework can wait.