In response to the lackadaisical approach taken by many student government senators, MSU President Waded Cruzado has proclaimed that future senators must partake in an annual battle to the death, termed The Bobcat Games.
For years, MSU students have complained about their lack of representation in the senate, culminating with the recent voter turnout of a meager 7.3 percent. “I’m sick of those senators caring only about their résumés,” said junior Catnip Everclear. “I want some damn representation!”
According to Cruzado’s decree, two Tributes — one male and one female — will be randomly selected from each of MSU’s nine colleges in a process known as the Reaping. After being chosen, the 18 tributes will be transported to the newly renovated Bobcat Stadium, where they will fight to the death until only one senator survives, as thousands of fans watch and scream rabidly.
Cruzado explained the new measure will ensure that senators represent their constituents instead of busying themselves with padding their résumés while doggedly avoiding any actual responsibility. Unlike the current senate status quo, the rules for the Games prohibit pregaming for the competition.
“Serving as a senator under this new paradigm will truly be an honor, because you will literally have to step over the dead bodies of 17 other candidates to do so,” Cruzado said.
Cruzado also explained that this will be a great way to increase school spirit, asking, “Who doesn’t love going to a Bobcat football game?” before referencing gladiatorial battles in Ancient Rome. “It will be a great use for all the new improvements to the stadium.”
In fact, Eric Stevensville, Director of the MSU Alumni Foundation, claimed that this was Cruzado’s secret motive for the recent football stadium expansion.
The games are slated to begin at the start of next semester, when MSU is expecting a bumper crop of potential freshmen to add to the Reaping pool. Students will be allowed to bet on the outcome of the Games, and Head Gamemaker Seneca Swan offered advice to potential gamblers. “Freshmen could make you a bunch of money if there’s an upset, but College of Agriculture students are usually a safe bet.”
Cruzado concluded her decree by saying, “May your chances of success usually be decent.”