(Pictured: Brady Corrigan, illustrated by Brady Corrigan)
After centuries of anticipation, Jesus Christ has finally decided to make contact with humanity once again. A CNN Breaking News report stated that Christ touched down at the North Pole last night around 9 p.m. MST. Fed-up with not receiving a present from Santa for the 1,747th consecutive year, the Messiah stated that He “couldn’t handle being left out any longer.”
Christ told Claus that centuries ago, He was able to reconcile not receiving any presents because His gift season used to be year-round. “People used to sacrifice valuables and animals to me as a gift for my eternal love, but for some reason, those presents have began to disappear in recent years.” Christ also added that this was not an impulse decision, and He didn’t take it lightly. “I’ve been praying for a gift the past 42 years, and nothing has come. I was beginning to lose faith in this ‘Santa Claus’ guy, so I decided to go see him for myself.”
Many church leaders have critiqued the move, saying that Christ is missing the point of the holiday season. Ray Boone, a local pastor, said he was in shock when he heard the news. He said that Christ shouldn’t need gifts if He is already in Heaven. “This is very uncharacteristic,” Boone told reporters earlier today. “But one thing is for sure. My faith has never been stronger.”
But one obvious question still looms: does this return qualify as a second coming? Many Christians aren’t willing to take the chance, and have been in a frenzy to purify their souls in preparation for a possible abrupt ascent into Heaven. Local woman Heather Smith told reporters she had to wait in line eight hours to go to church last evening because the line was so long. She stated this event has really shed light on all of the “fairweather faithful” out there. “These people think they can just pick and choose which tenants of the faith to obey,” Smith said.
The world may be coming to an end, but at least we can all marvel in the fact that Christ’s timing is spot on. Our world is a mess. Trump is president, Apple products just haven’t been the same since Steve Jobs died and Vine doesn’t exist anymore. Who would want to live in a world like that anyways?