The Exponent: Liberals Brainwashing Students Since 1895

As the only conservative working for The Exponent, it is time that I finally open up about my oppressive working conditions. I came to The Exponent in disguise as a liberal, with the goal of infiltrating the organization and reporting their agenda back to the students. The staff members are all insensitive liberals with the goal of brainwashing students.

The Exponent has staff meetings every Monday night. Before they influence the student body through the newspaper, they first brainwash their staff. Every meeting begins with a pledge to Marxism under a poster of “Almighty Marx.” We produce the paper every Wednesday night, where I walk up the stairs to the liberal hole called the Exponent office. I am forced to take an oath: I cannot have conservative thoughts while at work. Every subversive article produced by the Exponent is filtered by editors to ensure that the content supports the corruption of American values. Through layout and design, I set up the paper to establish subliminal messages associating conservatism with evil.

I cannot share my opinions, being careful not to blow my cover by making logical statements or showing fondness for capitalism. We must obey and submit to our leader whom we call fuhrer, or BOSSBEV, which is actually an acronym for Being Of Seditious Subversion Brainwashing EVeryone. Her staff is only known by their student ID numbers and not by their given Christian names. I have worked under her rule for two years now, and it has been a constant struggle to not conform to the mania of the Exponent’s liberal ways.

The MSU Exponent, a terrible, liberal student-led paper, is trying to fill its readers’ minds with censored garbage. I am writing this now as I think I have been compromised. I let it slip and made a comment that I am seeking post-graduation employment. At first I didn’t think anyone heard me, but one of the liberal staff pointed to me and shrieked like one of the pod people from “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” They are coming for me now. Without knowing how much time I have left, I will end with this: spare your minds from this filth and do not read the Exponent.

-Valerie Seelye, The Lifeblood of the Paper