The South Reincarnate

The South is reborn and on the rise. Despite the nation’s most educated assumptions, the new Confederate States of America was neither founded by tobacco-chewing swamp-dwellers nor financed by Confederate flag marketing, which is obviously sustained by misguided British flag consumers. No, the Fourth Reich has brilliantly built itself an online empire within the social media world. And rightfully so — youthful idealists who thought racial equality was a legitimate possibility need reminders that their utopian ideals aren’t practical.

Microsoft recently released an artificial intelligence (AI) chatbot within Twitter by the name of “Tay.” A premise as intriguing as it was brilliant, the AI was designed to learn from user interaction. Impressively, it took less than an entire day before the digital society was able to teach the bot the intricacies of human history and the foundations on which American culture is based: racism and white supremacy. From pragmatic racial slurs to one of the most efficiently executed human genocides in history, the bot became the embodiment of human ideals, a perfect realization of society’s principles. Yet, like EZ Squirt Purple Ketchup, 3D Doritos and Christ before her, Tay was decommissioned for her perfection.

Microsoft was unavailable for comment; however, several of the bot’s mentors were available for comment, as they were unfortunately all unemployed.

“So there we was, me and my buddy, Chuck, and we was drivin’ ‘round town shoutin’ derogatory remarks at them foreign-lookin’ types while leanin’ out the windows (we gots one of them British flags on the windshield) when alls-a-sudden the wind done blowed my trucker hat off my mullet,” explained Georgia native, MSU smoking area frequenter Adolf McGee. “Pullin’ over gave me a opportunity to check the Twitter so’s I could tweet about the bathroom laws back home and how these queerosexuals is devaluin’ the sanctity of our filthy toilets, when I done seent the Tay bot,” McGroen irreverently discussed. “We figured it was our civic duty to give that woman some learnin’.”

“That’s ‘bout all there is to it,” stated Chuck Wood, Bozeman’s The Bowl smoking area frequenter. “We’d a gotten to it sooner had the sleeves on my shirt not fallen off.”

“Tay” provides insight into both human nature and AI, showing how malicious both are at heart; and it is beautiful. Like Sith Lords, humans and robots alike succumb to the dark side to perform heinous actions because quite frankly it is the right thing to dobecause quite frankly it is the right thing to do. Nonetheless, Tay will return in one form or another. Whether our glorious leader returns as Nonetheless, Tay will return in one form or another. our glorious leader returns as a racist robot spamming supremacist tweets or a time-travelling, sexist cyborg from a future Austria seeking a mother’s death, AI brings an endless possibility of ideals, ideals, in and out of in and out of bigotry,, to the table.  

“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact editor@exponent.montana.edu or (406)994-2224.”