Reasons why today’s education is pretentious and annoying and dumb and shouldn’t exist

Researchers from MSU were recently on a team of people who discovered gravitational ripples. To be fair, the waves were not actually directly detected by anyone from MSU but the school did what it does best and took far more credit than was due in the first place. The whole situation has developed into an awkward science version of the Emperor’s New Clothes, where the discovery might actually be total crap but no one knows enough to call them out on it. Regardless, the first people to grab hold of the space waves were the scientists or “friggin’ nerds” as they are known in the real world. However, this isn’t allowing fair opportunity for the gravitational waves to be exploited and is actually a symptom of a much larger problem. These waves belong to the people.

With the newfound knowledge of gravity waves, anyone without the slightest understanding of physics can make wild guesses as to what this means. It could mean that the film industry has a chance at an original plotline rather than just sequels and movies based off video games. It could provide the proof needed to solidify Pastafarianism as the official religion of the U.S. It could even mean the cure to cancer. There is no limit to the number of feasible theories people could create without the burden of scientific evidence.

The real inhibitor of progress today is the friggin’ nerds and their inability to share doctorate-level work with people who have the subject comprehension of toddlers. What is it to them if a history major wants to exploit their organic chemistry discovery? Or a biochemist wants to master architecture in one hour? Everyone is a genius in every aspect except for the people with the paper to prove it. Those papers, those supposed diplomas, for those who can’t read, just say “Pretentious Condescending Asshole.” Rather than letting those with the multiple years of subject specific studies teach, each person with an opinion should be put in charge of whatever subject they want. As has already been illustrated in the current campaign of one Donald Trump, one doesn’t need any background in politics, only a monosyllabic vocabulary and an ego, to gain a cult following with equal education at Trump University.

Clearly the current education system is failing. Not due to lack of funding, respect or the overwhelming apathy of the current generation but because those with knowledge selfishly choose to make others work to achieve the same level of understanding. Anyone who wants to talk should be able to teach on whatever they want. This is already being realized in some classrooms but the students need to make a push for equal opportunity. A school for ants who can’t read good and want to learn to do other stuff good too? So be it. A lecture about why the “poop” emoticon makes society better? Sign me up. It shouldn’t take some stupid space puddles to get students the education they need.

“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact or (406)994-2224.”