As members of a community, it is important that every person be involved in the betterment of the group. Bobcats are good at being part of a team, and giving back to a community that gives to them. Unfortunately, not all is quiet on the Bozeman front, as there are always a few parasites leeching off the system.
And although MSU is a loving and nurturing community of great scholars, some people within our ranks would like nothing more than to undermine our peace and comfort. The most consistent offender of these crimes against our school and nation, is Elise Byle.
This young woman has proved to be untrustworthy, and even dangerous, publishing multiple political attacks on the administration in the newspaper. She has made her anarcho-anti-establishment agenda clear, and is subsequently threatening the community with her disgusting and offensive rhetoric.
Even worse, her academic interests lie with other enemies of the state. She is spending much of her time here learning languages foreign to America, and it is likely she is planning to defect. In fact, she is putting most of her time into studying the language of Che Guevara and Castro, and there is reasonable evidence to suggest she is, in fact, a communist.
In spite of these atrocious behaviors she has been displaying, she is (luckily for our community) spending the next semester abroad. Unfortunately, that will only be a few short months that we will be separated from that fascist. Until Trump is elected as president, we have to take efforts to keep Elise out of the country into our own hands.
If you are interested in deporting Elise, please participate in our poll:
“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact email@example.com or (406)994-2224.”