Kids are too stupid to vote. This has been demonstrated since middle school in as many classrooms as there are illegitimate children in said classrooms. They vote for impractical things like ice cream every day when it is well known that lollipops are better for mental stimulation. As they grow older, this foolishness is fed by dark insinuations from teachers and political campaigns. They “mature” into college students who believe they can make a difference. The worst of these perpetrators is not an unnamed evil but instead a treacherous member of MSU’s own community.
All great heroes have a nemesis. Austin Powers had Dr. Evil, that guy from Fight Club had… himself, and the students of MSU have Alex Lei. Alex is everything wrong in the world. That gun-slinging, Trump-loving, anti-gay marriage Republican brings only anger and despair to his classmates. It is really hard to pinpoint what is his worst quality because it is hard to know where to begin. Not only does he attend college but he is actually trying to make the world a better place. This youthful idealism is the crux of what is wrong with the nation. If all people were like him, the world would be a disaster compared to the wonderful paradise it is today.
He is also absolutely offensive to his fellow classmates. The other day, one student reported receiving two custom-made condoms from Alex which can only be considered an insult. Why does Alex feel like he knows the frequency with which others have intercourse? Who made him God? Maybe that student only needed one condom. Did you ever think about that, Alex?
Alex makes too many mistakes to be anything less than a terrible person. He spends too much time in the outdoors, has hair on his head, possibly even two eyes. The audacity of his behavior is shocking. The harder one digs into Alex’s behavior, the more clear it is that these traits are far too common at MSU. Can one definitively say that Alex is the worst when everyone has the same detestable qualities? Instead, one should consider that Alex is not alone in being the worst and that same trait is actually the defining characteristic of everyone.
Alex is the worst at being the worst. That title does not belong solely to him. So for everyone who has ever used antisocial instead of asocial, took a parking spot someone else was waiting for, been rude to servers, or just been a total dick, you, you disgusting individual, you are the worst.
“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact firstname.lastname@example.org or (406)994-2224.”