Goodbye football, hello parking

Tens of Bobcat football fans are becoming concerned by the growing interest in replacing Bobcat Stadium with a massive parking complex. In recent years, MSU’s football team has proved that increasing enrollment rates are not enough to beat the Grizzlies, so the administration is seeking to kill a half dozen birds with a truck full of concrete: end the Bobcat/Grizzly rivalry and increase the university’s total revenue by replacing the Bobcat football stadium with a parking structure that would make more money with four parking passes than Bobcat football ticket sales grossed since 2010.

Representatives from MSU’s Sports Facilities Department have claimed that the new parking structure would keep the spirit of Bobcat football–tailgating–alive while getting the redundant and expensive football game out of the picture. The NCAA is fully endorsing this move by schools in lower-tier conferences, potentially saving them billions in the long run. The NCAA’s contractual 15 percent profit from these new parking facilities only further motivated them to get behind the move.

Tailgaters have been especially in favor of this shift away from football and continue to push for parking reform. Tailgate AdvoCat Rick von Sloneker was quoted saying, “The halftime no re-entry policy is, like, really killing the mood.” von Sloneker has hopes that the freedom of the parking garage will bring tailgating back to being “pretty dope,” in his own words. Montana Hall refused to comment on this statement.

According to financial projections, the monetary loss of the tens of Bobcat football fans will net out after the parking garage has been operational for approximately 43 minutes. Admins are advising current MSU football players to either switch to pre-med or transfer to the University of Oregon. The general consensus by the community is that this move away from attempted ‘sports culture’ will overall benefit both MSU and the community of Bozeman, both financially and socially.