Satire: Sleep is for the Weak

After long hours of contemplation, one will realize that it’s not worth spending much time sleeping. Think about it: if someone said you had to give 33 percent of your paycheck to the government, you’d say that is ridiculous. This generation is starting to understand that spending a third of their lives not doing anything is just a waste of time.

Many of us are full-time students, and that means a lot of hours in and out of the classroom. Still few of us are actually graduating with four-year degrees. Solution? Max out at 21 credits, load up on instant coffee, and get ready to study. In just three years you’ll have two bachelor’s degrees with a Spanish minor.

There are people out there, like teenagers and freshmen, who do nothing but sleep all the time. There’s a reason the dropout rate is 50 percent. People aren’t taking life seriously. They’re just happy sleeping through it. No matter how many 200 level Buddhism classes you take, you only have one life, so you might as well be awake for it.

Do you know who sleeps? Babies, that’s who. We’re not babies, we’re college students, so we better start acting like it.

Sometimes you lie in bed at night and think about all those things you could be doing, imagining all the homework you could get done so there’s no morning rush. The only cure doctors have found for this is Adderall, and since drug abuse is bad, instead try coffee as a replacement for sleep. After just one night with this method, you’re guaranteed to get your homework actually done and still have the time catch up on those readings for Econ class. Add another night and you’ve got that midterm paper done a week early and had so much more time that you actually watched something on Netflix instead of just browsing it.

Soon you’re five days deep in sleep deprivation, your eyes have become weights, you’re walking around the snowy streets at night in a foggy delirium, you’ve attempted cutting your reading list in half but only made it 30 pages into War and Peace because there were too many characters, and you’ve browsed through every Faceboook photo of people you went to high school with.

Conclusion: there is no benefit to sleeping. I’ve only presented a few of the wonderful things you can do when you don’t sleep. The world is yours, don’t let sleep get in the way of that.