Scrutiny, Confusion Over MSU Increased Enrollment

MSU officials are just as confused as students by the university’s increased enrollment. Director of Admissions, Rwanda Terrier, has been a key figure of the central administration that focuses on increasing enrollment. Though she has been an integral component of the program, she is still “baffled” by its accomplishments.

“We don’t understand,” Terrier claimed. “We try to make parking as inaccessible and inconvenient as possible. We raise tuition rates and keep student to professor ratios high… yet, we continue to break enrollment records. I know we make money and students attend in record breaking waves but I’m not quite sure how.” Terrier is not alone in her confusion though, as other members of the administration demonstrate similar bewilderment.

“One would think that students would be repelled by such standards,” remarked MSU President Waldo Cruzaldo, “but my tenure says otherwise. I mean, look at this desk. A broken economy can’t afford six different kinds of exotic wood. Some aspect of this system is working but for the life of me, I just can’t figure it out.”

The institution is the largest within the state and is best known for its working payphone, unrealistic depiction of bobcats, and “Catapalooza,” a variation of a flea market infested with desperate, car salesman-like carnies aiming to entrap freshman for cult recruitment purposes.

“Several years ago, I entered the MSU academic system posing as a student to gain a better understanding of the inner workings of the university,” said Cris P. Kreme, Vice President for Student Success. “I enrolled as a Community Health major but found myself applying to the engineering department after three years of mandatory core courses in the performing arts field. I feel I now have even less of an understanding of how students continue to attend.”

One theory surrounding MSU’s success involves masochists and ailurophiles, or “cat enthusiasts.” Another considers arkoudaphobia, or the fear of bears, which purportedly makes the “Bobcat university” a more attractive option than the “Griz university.” At first glance, one wonders what compels students to continue attending. From un-airconditioned buildings and dorm rooms in the summer, to overheated buildings and dorm rooms in the winter, most inaccessible to the handicapped, there does not appear to be a motivating force supporting retention.

“I’m just as perplexed as you,” claimed MSU student and SB parking permit owner, Stuart “Stu” Dent as he walked to campus from an F lot parking area. “I think there’s a lot this university has to offer. I just haven’t seen it yet.

In a recent statement made by President Cruzaldo to students and alumni regarding enrollment,  she claimed she “…would like to begin by using the university’s business and financial strengths as an example but, quite frankly, I do not know what those strengths are.”

“We may never figure it out,” added Kris Cashnow, Director, Planning and Analysis. “I know the child development center’s preschool is popular among our mustachioed male community and campus construction is a large attraction but it doesn’t seem to add up. Just as our student bicyclists are unable to follow traffic laws, our student body seems equally unable to relocate.”

Meanwhile, nearby rival University of Montana struggles to manage declining enrollment and retention rates with its “prioritize students” business model.