In a Center for Disease Control agent’s nightmare-come-true, an outbreak of an unidentified virus began to take hold of Montana State University. The moaning and groaning of the meat-craving zombies could be heard at all the corners of campus on the morning of Monday, March 28, as the disease started to take hold of the student body once again, in a yearly disaster with the highest body count the state of Montana has seen since the introduction of 80 mile-per-hour speed limits. Each spring at MSU, through a combination of dining hall food, exams and homework stress, a massive portion of the student body assumes the form of a soulless, unfeeling walking corpse that stalks the library and dining halls during the day, only returning to their lairs (read: dormitories) at night to further engage in the practices that turn them into these monsters.
“I just woke up for my 8 a.m. and dreaded my own existence, very seriously contemplating a career in professional homelessness like every other Monday and walked out to the mall, when I realized I was surrounded by the undead,” said a student who wished to remain anonymous. “The only real distinction between the zombies and normal students was that one was a pale, baggy-eyed, shell of a human with insatiable hunger, and the rest were zombies.”
All hope seemed lost for dear MSU, with the undead occupying almost every building on campus and any attempt to go outside was met with a horde of the undead. Just as many of the surviving students were about to give themselves up to the horde, a band of militant students with brightly-colored firearms and armbands began to take campus back by storm. The cries of “Zombies at your 12, I mean, 10!” and “Dude, I totally hit you!” pierced the cloud of undead groaning as zombies dropped one by one. The cold, tactical efficiency with which these brave young people tore through the crowd of flesh-eaters was a sight to behold, something never seen by any military force on the planet.
The Excrement caught up with one of the leaders of the militant student group mid-battle and asked her about the group. “I basically got to be leader because of my sick kill/death ratio on Call of Duty, these scrubs just kinda flocked behind me,” she said. Amanda “l33t_5n1p3r-86” Huggenkiss, leader of the anti-zombie task force at MSU and professional online survey taker, has been helping to combat the yearly zombie threat since she began classes back in 2010, and has continued to attend MSU well past her graduation year for that sole purpose.
Editor’s note: This article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fools’ edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contactExponentEditor@montana.edu or (406)994-2224.