After making it through the primaries on March 30, self-proclaimed billionaire business mogul Donald J. Trump announced that he will be ramping up his campaign for ASMSU president for the 2016-2017 school year. To be eligible for the position, he enrolled in seven credits at MSU; Trump said he believes that by being a nontraditional student and new at the university, he is more capable of shaking up policies and able to “Make Montana State Great Again.”
Trump explained that he sees many problems with the way the university is currently run. On the issue of admissions, Trump was infuriated that out-of-state students who are getting accepted under the radar are destroying the university. He believes that these students weigh down class averages and take a disproportionate amount of class time by asking too many questions and expecting professors to just give them the answers. “Look, when other states send their students, they’re not sending their best. The ones who are applying are students with lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems to us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re terrible students. And some, I assume, are good people.”
In addition to his stricter admission policies, Trump would like to see a wall go up around campus. He trusts that by having students enter through a single gate, the university can keep track of who is on campus, and make sure that everyone who enters is desireable. When asked who would build it, Trump responded that he would oversee the construction of the wall. Trump stated, “I will build a great wall, and nobody builds better walls than me, believe me, and I’ll build it very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall around the border of campus.” After being questioned about funding for the wall, Trump explained, “I will make out-of-state students, particularly those from California, pay for the wall. Their tuition is too low as it is.” At rallies across Bozeman, supporters could be heard shouting, “Who’s going to pay for the wall!?” to a response from others, “Out of state students!”
Fairly confident about the backing he will receive from students, Trump stated, “I could kill every duck in the duck pond and I wouldn’t lose any support.” Even if Trump loses the ASMSU presidential election, his spirits will not be down. “If I were to run again, I’d run for student body president at University of Montana. They’re the dumbest group of students in the state. They believe anything that’s written in The Kaimin[UM’s student paper]. I could lie and they’d still eat it up. I bet my numbers would be terrific,” Trump said.
Editor’s note: this article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fools’ edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact ExponentEditor@montana.edu or (406)994-2224.