The Bernie Sanders political campaign made its way to the MSU campus last week. Sanders’ advocacy for free college has caught on at many campuses and MSU has been no exception. Students rallied on the mall, holding signs and screaming “Feel the Bern!” to welcome the Vermont senator to town.
Sanders then proceeded to speak in the Brick Breeden Fieldhouse. Sanders’ potential running mate Vermin Supreme also attended. MSU students were thrilled to see Supreme, who also supports giving American citizens a lot of free things.
This was Supreme’s first Sanders rally and Sanders began his speech by introducing the potential running mate. He chose to do this at MSU because of the stunning student political involvement, demonstrated recently in the ASMSU presidential primary elections on March 29-30 where literally dozens of voters cast their ballot.
“Vermin here might have a boot on his head; he might look kind of like a wizard, but let me tell you America, that’s because he is a wizard! And who doesn’t want a free pony?” Sanders said at the rally.
Supreme also believes that improving dental care will turn around the American situation, which Sanders voiced strong support for.
Sanders focused on income equality, making college free, getting rid of big money, creating good paying jobs, raising minimum wage, climate change, immigration, racial justice, women’s rights, wiping out AIDS, LGBT equality, tribal rights, veterans, healthcare for everyone, expanding social security, lowering prescription drug prices, disability rights, African American colleges, rights of Native Hawaiians, improving rural economies, fighting for nurses, reforming Wall Street, encouraging values, war, peace and Iran.
In reference to where the time and money would come from to accomplish these things Sanders explained that his running mate Supreme is an expert counterfeiter with a time machine.
“I know this all seems absurd, but considering the situation America is already in, I believe the more fantastic my goals are, the more likely I am to become the next president,” Sanders said.
The rally quickly turned south when a student wearing camo pants and a Donald Trump shirt stood up and started screaming “Socialist!” The student quickly became violent, running up to the stage and attempting to pull the boot off Supreme’s head. Supreme yelled at the student to go brush his teeth and the student was escorted out of the event.
Sanders then decided to refocus on making college free in an attempt to regain his audience. American students have managed to accumulate over a trillion dollars in student debt and Sanders explained that when a number becomes that large it basically doesn’t exist anymore so we should ignore it.
This caused the largely student audience to begin clapping, cheering and waving their American flags. After the event, Sanders signed autographs, sold bumper stickers and accepted change donations from students.
Editor’s note: This article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fools’ edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact ExponentEditor@montana.edu or (406)994-2224.