Shortly before noon on Tuesday, March 29, MSU Parking Services Manager Kite Blanko and Assistant Planner Cantdance Pastel announced that work on the new parking and transportation master plan was all “an elaborate ruse to distract you from the real work being done to improve our transportation to campus.” They reported to a room of curious reporters, students and faculty that they had, in fact, built a massive parking lot in northern Arizona.
The parking lot contains 37,550 parking spaces, or enough to “make our parking space to student ratio 2 to 1, which might I remind you is much better than other schools,” Blanko remarked. This means that every student who makes the 11 hour, 733 mile journey to the intersection of Route 89A and BLM 1025 will have two to three parking spaces to use at their disposal. “Complain no more because now we have so many parking spaces, everyone can double park,” Pastel interjected. The site will be half SB, and half E parking. However, “all of the SB and E parking will be moved to the new site, with all of the current parking on campus being redesignated as FU parking, which is only $900 per year,” Blanko said.
When pressed about the high price of FU parking, compared to the current $177 fee for an SB pass, Blanko responded, “Look at it this way, most of the parking on campus is over 700 miles from the center, these few parking spots nearby the center that were once the only parking on campus, are under a mile from it, that is quite luxurious, and should be priced accordingly.” Sources confirmed that while Blanko was talking, there were, in fact, dollar signs in his eyes. “The most important thing to us is the profit share we get from parking permit sales, I mean, the students. At least we’re not building a really small and expensive parking garage and charging almost the same as an R pass to use it.”
Steering the announcement away from money, Pastel elaborated more on the lot itself. “We hope that people who commute from long distances, like from Four Corners, will instead park here and just bike the rest of the way in. We will also offer a free shuttle that runs once a day to and from the parking lot.” The intrepid duo hopes that the increased parking in the desert will reduce utilization on campus and make it easier for people to come and go from campus without having to worry about finding a spot again.
When The Excrement asked students and faculty their thoughts on the plan, the overall feeling was one of excitement. “Finally I can double park without getting in trouble! I love the extra space around my truck so people can see that I have a truck,” said Ima Douche. “As long as the shuttle is on time, I wouldn’t want to miss my class,” Susan Bellows noted. Many more students and faculty shared similar sentiments, except a few, who were found protesting the new parking lot outside the PewPew building. “We are really dumfounded at this plan,” protest leader Glen Barnfield said. “Who would come up with such a stupid idea in the first place! There’s no way this would work, nobody would use it! We need carpool spots close to the shuttle stop! And we refuse to leave until they give it to us!”
Editor’s note: This article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fools’ edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact ExponentEditor@montana.edu or (406)994-2224.