Hemp hampers happy homebodies

On Dec. 20, an individual reported smelling marijuana coming from a common laundry area at Julia Martin Drive. Officers made contact with an individual who was found to have a valid medical marijuana card. A verbal warning was given for the MSU policy violation despite multiple pleas for the officers to “chill, man.”

On Dec. 21, an individual reported smelling marijuana coming from an apartment on Julia Martin Drive. Officers contacted an individual who claimed to work for an off-campus medical marijuana dispensary. No marijuana was detected or located.

On Dec. 22, a resident reported smelling marijuana and hearing loud noise coming from a residence on, you guessed it, Julia Martin Drive. Officers located the source, but the residents refused to open the door and speak to police. The noise did not stop, nor did our intrepid marijuana protagonist stop annoying neighbors.

On Dec. 26, an officer observed a vehicle that failed to stop at a red light. The vehicle was stopped, and alcohol was found inside. The occupants were under 21. Citations were issued for MIP and driving while suspended. In what solution they were suspended in, we will never know.

On Dec. 29, someone reported seeing profanity written on a flyer attached to another person’s door. At the time of publication, the tattle-tale was still visibly shaken by this horrific incident.

On Jan. 1, an officer assisted the Bozeman Police Department in looking for an individual who was reported to have threatened someone with a shotgun. However, there is no cause for alarm because this individual is probably a responsible gun owner, and responsible gun owners only use their guns for hunting and other legal things, and they would never use their deadly weapons to threaten or endanger another person’s life.

On Jan. 2, an individual reported smelling marijuana in their building located on Julia Martin Drive. Officers responded but were unable to verify the source of the smell. Hemp Man strikes again.

On Jan. 3, an individual reported hearing shouting, profanity and slamming doors in a nearby apartment. Officers responded and determined that the tenant was playing video games on their PC. The question on everyone’s mind is why were they slamming doors while playing video games.

On Jan. 3, an individual reported smelling marijuana in their building on Julia Martin Drive. An officer responded and took a report. Police are now on the lookout for a man with a cheeto-stained, cannabis leaf t-shirt who claims to be “Hemp Man,” out to prove that “you know, when you really look at the data, marijuana is better for you than most prescription drugs, and cannabis really has no side effects.”

On Jan. 4, an individual reported the odor of marijuana from outside their residence near Julia Martin Drive. Officers responded and determined the odor was a skunk. Or was it?

On Jan. 7, an officer located an individual in possession of marijuana near West Julia Martin. The individual was cited for possession of dangerous drugs. A referral was submitted to the dean of students, putting an end to Hemp Man. Eyewitnesses reported that Hemp Man went into an hour long lecture after hearing his charges on how marijuana is not a “dangerous drug,” as it “has no side-effects and is not made by man.”