Womyn show obvious superiority in formerly male-dominated sporting event

The MSU men’s team competed against the womyn’s team in a rousing dual of brawn versus talent on March 24 in the Brick Breeden Fieldhouse in a play-in game for the NCAA womyn’s tournament.  The womyn were able to out-score the men with quick driving plays, gaining the advantage in a 101-86 win.

The game was off to a fast start when Robison Crusoe received the tip off, setting up the men’s team for the first play. The men were able to keep a lead throughout the first half with senior Steven Colbert leading the team with 33 points, all from three-pointers (free McDonald’s hamburgers for everyone!).

The game proved to be a Mitchum’s moment for Head Coach Trout, who needed to change his shirt at halftime to avoid flooding the Fieldhouse. The shirt change proved to be unlucky, as the men saw their halftime lead washing away the second half.  

After trailing at the half 52-38, the womyn came out strong, changing their game strategy to out-maneuver the slow, tree-like giants from the men’s team.  However, the height advantage did help the men some throughout the game. Freshman Wilson Hall, a 6’ 4” guard, was able to get under the basket and contribute 23 points of his own.

“We just didn’t get off the Streamline for this game,” Trout said. “We were not the better team today … we relied too strongly on our McDonald’s three pointers instead of playing the game all out.”

The womyn’s team can contribute a lot of their success in this game to seniors Lindsey Malone and Jasmine al-Hamed of Agrabah, who contributed 35 and 27 points, respectively.  “[al-Hamed] is really the carburetor of the team. She knows how to play smart ball and make plays when it really counts,” womyn’s Head Coach Karl Malone.

Basketball players shoot basketball into basketball hoop during basketball game. Photo illustration by Colter Peterson
Basketball players shoot basketball into basketball hoop during basketball game. Photo illustration by Colter Peterson

The womyn will advance into the first round of the tournament, playing the University of Utah Jazz.  “We are very proud of our seniors this year,” Malone said. “We just got word that Steven Colbert needs to retake his 400-level astrophysics. With no eligibility left for him on the men’s team, he will be joining the Lady Cats next season. Lucky for us that the MSU curriculum is so challenging. We look forward to having him on our team.”

 

“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact editor@exponent.montana.edu or (406)994-2224.”