Everyone knows that real fishermen wear Smi’s gear. You aren’t a real fisherman until you’re a fly fisherman, and you aren’t a real fly fisherman until you have all the right gear. After all, you get what you pay for, and only the top brands will get you the top fish. Don’t get cheap $300 dollar waders. You need full chest waders with as many pockets and zippers as possible for all the essential gear: Forceps, pliers, nippers (not nail clippers, those are totally different things), gink, a pair of small scissors, pockets for spare strike indicators (not bobbers, again, totally different) and of course a lanyard for your landing net.
Obviously, you need to have a rod. Remember, you get what you pay for, and only the top brands will get you the top fish. No one ever caught a big fish on a cheap rod and reel. Speaking of rods, make sure yours is up to par before you buy it. Test it in the store as many times as possible. Don’t actually cast it though; don’t even make a casting motion. It is essential that you hold the rod in your hand and just wiggle it so the tip flexes. The bendier the better, and make sure not to go too big. Anything larger than a four weight just really ruins your experience. You want to make sure that the eight inch brookie you’re catching is a true rod bender. And don’t r buy a rod/reel combo that comes in plastic packaging, even if it’s the same product and a better deal. The fish will smell the difference in the air quality around your rod and line and you won’t catch a thing. It all has to do with barometric pressure and the lunar phases, and that kind of stuff can really put fish off the bite.
Next, you have to make sure that you have polarized sunglasses. You can’t rely on reading the water and experience to know where the fish are, you have to see them. And make sure you have a Smi’s hat too, in order to keep the infrared rays from slanting off your sunglasses at too sharp of an angle. This causes a disturbance in the visible light spectrum and really hampers your vision.
Use only the smallest possible hooks when fishing for big trout. The size of the hook really makes or breaks the sportsmanship of your fishing experience, and fish will never go for anything bigger than a size 16 fly.
Finally, make sure you de-barb your hooks. I can’t tell you how many fish I have caught on barbed hooks, only to have them swim away moments later. With that hole in their mouth from the barbed hook, the fish’s ability to conduct biomass intake is extremely limited; everything just flows through that new opening. As a result of this, the fish soon starve and die. Remember, it is okay to put a hole in their mouth, but if that hole is put there with a barbed hook, then it is unethical and cruel.
As always, here’s wishing you tight lines and no homework.
“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact email@example.com or (406)994-2224.”