Netflix and hypothermia: The next step in mountaineering

It is no longer the case, as John Muir once said, that the mountains are calling. The recent teenagers of the mountains of old have, for once and for good, become hip again. No longer are the local mountains of the Gallatin area calling. Nay, they are swiping right. The mountains of southwest Montana have recently signed up for Tinder accounts, and boy are things heating up. Local climber and mountain enthusiast, Con-Brad Angler, said, “The mountains are always swiping right, and man, does that make me want to go to them. It’s so much better than calling. That’s so 2013. Swiping right really makes me feel like I have more of a connection with the mountain.”

This Tinder phenomenon has been occurring for many mountains throughout the southwest Montana region. Mountains that have gotten Tinder accounts so far include Mount Blackmore, Beehive Peak, Saddle Peak and the Sphinx. A look at the Tinder profile for Mount Blackmore caused large interest for many young college students in the area. It states: “A young and daunting mountain just looking to have a good time. I have curves in all the right places and always swipe right. Looking for an adventurous, young hottie who will slide their planks over me all winter long. I like getting skied and hiked on and getting blasted by winter storms. My height is only 10,200 feet, but I believe that size doesn’t matter.”

Locals have had mixed responses on dates with their mountain Tinder matches. Many have enjoyed the dates, saying that they were playful and full of powder. They said that they really got to know the mountain, and find its secret stashes. Others, however, have had much more negative remarks. Tinder user Dale said of his date: “It was okay, I guess. It started out smooth: mellow approach and bluebird skies. However, Mount Blackmore and I just have different views on the same thing. She had messaged that she wanted to ‘Netflix and Chill.’ Turns out, ‘Netflix and Chill’ means very different things for humans and mountains. Her idea of chilling was a -20F storm with hurricane winds. There wasn’t even any movie!”

Photo illustration by Nicole Smith
Photo illustration by Nicole Smith

Dale later explained that a few weeks after the date, which resulted in frostbite and losing all his toes, he deleted his Tinder account. “I dunno, man. She just was always messaging me. Always on my case about coming to hang out and skip class. It was very hard to focus on school with her always calling and asking me to leave town.” Mt. Blackmore declined to interview, though rumors suggest that by continuing to swipe right she has found a new boy-toy for the time being.

Will the mountains continue to swipe right? Perhaps, though perhaps not. Many view this mountain Tinder phenomenon as just a fad. One thing remains clear, however; the mountains are no longer calling, but the booty call still remains.

 

“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact editor@exponent.montana.edu or (406)994-2224.”