In a press conference on Wednesday, March 26, faculty and staff in Wilson Hall, including the Ryan Seacrest look-alike janitor, announced their split from Montana State University and the Cruzaldo administration.
“We no longer feel the need to be regulated by the Cruzaldo Charter and the authority that keeps it binding,” wrote the rebellion’s provisional leader, citing suppression and allegations of injustices perpetrated by the Cruzaldo regime.
Accompanying the statement was a public session of expository oration on the theoretical merits of liberty and other intangible concepts, beginning on the second-floor bridge of Wilson Hall and ending in a drunken brawl. A handful of literature professors milled about waving bright banners of protest, hoping to invoke the spirit of the “Les Miserables” barricades.
The secession appears to be the culmination of simmering dissatisfaction and dissent within many of Wilson Hall departments, allegedly drunkenly planned in the dark corners of The Bacchus Pub, Bridger Brewing Company and Colombo’s Pizza and Pasta.
The separatists are currently ruled by a coalition of department heads, all proudly promoted from within the rebellion. Initial legislation granted tenure to all the adjunct professors and banned the use of inspiration buzzwords.
“I’m downright pissed at the way this school is being run,” complained history professor Ian Joy. “I used to have the perfect view of the Bridgers. Staring aimlessly at those mountains all day was the only thing that kept me sane in this office. Now that Jabs’s monstrosity [Jabs Hall] is in the way. But we’re hoping to blow off the top few floors with the cannons we’ve just installed on the roof.”
“And they cut down the trees. They killed all the sweet little owls,” added an anonymous coworker: “Those darn business students and their marketable skills.”
Joy had no comments on the university’s planned destruction of Jake Jabs Hall (see page 4).
The rebel community appears to be struggling for financial resources and allies, but according to one philosophy teaching assistant, Sophia Nous, “We’re pretty used to being broke and friendless.”
“The english staff is going to double their copy-editing work, and we’re considering raising goats in the courtyard. Between that and Kickstarter, we could honestly raise more money than we were getting from the university,” religious studies professor Christine Williams said. But, she admits, “We might need to start stealing equipment from the EPS building to sell on eBay for research and travel grants.”
The rebels allegedly attempted to contact representatives of the Honors College, sending two scouts to the Quads, but after an hours-long climb, the scouts returned, defeated, unable to reach the top of the ivory tower.
Honors professor John Bayles said, “We appreciate the spirit of Wilson Hall’s rebellion, but honestly, how would that look on our students’ resumes?”
“I have my Truman scholarship application to consider,” added honors freshman Mike Cloutier, “I just can’t risk having principles at a time like this.”
Reports explain that the Mathematics Department continues to operate in a state of quiet obsoletion, as usual, although it is rumored several of the science buildings including the Chemistry and Biochemistry Building and Leon Johnson Hall have considered secession as well.
President Cruzaldo could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous eyewitness reports seeing her contemplating a 32-pound cannonball, currently embedded in her private parking space, just meters from Wilson Hall.