The amazing sex tips you have been waiting for

You’ve read it all, we know. Incredible, breakthrough sex tips are a myth these days. Recently, however, we interviewed some experts to bring you the most unbelievable, mind-blowing, and life-changing sex advice you will ever read.

Black Bear

Age: 3.5 years

Polson, Mont.

“If you don’t gain enough weight over the summer, the embryo won’t attach to your uterine wall, and a baby bear won’t develop. Men don’t really get turned on by trim gals, so just fatten up before winter rolls around — believe me, it can really sneak up on you.”

Galápagos Giant Tortoise

Age: 80 years

Galápagos Islands, Ecuador

“Well, uh, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 40, so I don’t have much advice.”

Bowerbird

Age: 5 years

Cairns, Australia

“It’s all about the bachelor pad, man. Sometimes I spend weeks organizing my collection of berries and stones just to attract a babe, but it’s so worth it. Girls really dig my collection of rifle shells, too.”

 

Praying Mantis

Age: 9 months

Annapolis, Md.

“I love biting off my partner’s head.”

 

Barnacle

Age: 4 years

Florence, Ore.

“It’s tough, you know, trying to keep the spark alive when I’m stuck to the bottom of this boat. I’ve just learned to use my inflatable member — that has been workin’ okay.”

 

Red-Sided Garter Snake

Age: 1 year

Manitoba, Canada

“I like group sex. Last week, there were 30,000 of us.”

 

Anglerfish

Age: Unknown

Murky depths of the Atlantic Ocean

“My love and I are literally fused together. She gives me rides and food, but we both know I’m not gonna be running when she says she wants kids.”

 

Banana Slug

Age: 3 years

Santa Cruz, Calif.

“My Johnson is the same size as my body, which means it gets stuck sometimes. But that’s okay, my partner just bites it off when that happens.”