January Horrorscope

Capricorn (January 20 – February 16): The Sun is in Capricorn, and the Sun is a star. You’re a star. Which, scientifically speaking, means you’re full of hot air.


Aquarius (February 16 – March 11): The moon is in Aquarius and will experience a total lunar eclipse on January 31st, beginning at 3:51 AM. Aquarius should expect to be up late finishing last minute public breakdown on twitter.


Pisces (March 11 – April 18): Uranus is in Pisces, nice.


Aries (April 18 – May 13): A new job might be on the horizon. Probably not one that pays all too well, but that’ll come after you escape college with your life, but not your dignity.


Taurus (May 13 – June 21): Taurus are practical and responsible, so you will be buying a totally sick new poster for your dorm room. Nice one bro.


Gemini (June 21 – July 20): You know that show you were thinking about binging? Well, now’s the time. An influx of obscure German cinema awaits you.


Cancer (July 20 – August 10): Oh Cancers, have you got a January in store for you. We won’t tell you about it because you’ll know it when it happens.


Leo (Aug 10 – September 16): Leos might be walking on thin ice, especially with an Aquarius who’s sleep-deprived. Also, literal thin ice. Watch your step kids.


Virgo (September 16 – October 30): Beware of moving vehicles. Bikes, trucks, tractors, the Streamline, you name it, it will probably crash with you on it, maybe.


Libra (October 30 – November 23): Mars and Jupiter are in Libra, so you should try and balance power and conflict. Maybe you can help those Sagittarius out and be the leader for your spontaneous fishing trips to Mexico.


Scorpio (November 23 – November 29): Sorry-o Scorpios, Ophiuchus took a pretty big chunk of your dates, because it turns out that it  is a real thing regardless of what the president tweets. Oh, and don’t go under bridges.


Ophiuchus (November 20 – December 17): Ophiuchus is the most commonly ignored zodiac constellation, and it turns out that it really is a thing and as a result so are you.


Sagittarius (December 17 – January 20): Pluto, Mercury and Saturn are all currently in Sagittarius, so you should be on the lookout for group projects. Avoid them. Avoid group projects. To be safe, avoid classes altogether.