Panic in Bozeman as Michael Bay Announces the Town as his Next Shooting


According to reports given by Michael Bay’s closest aides, the acclaimed director of modern classics like “Bad Boys” and “Bad Boys II” will begin shooting his latest “Transformers” movie in Bozeman starting next week. The highly anticipated tenth movie in the series, entitled “Transformers: Pain & Gain & Bad & Boys,” is the ensemble flick that will unite the entire Michael cinematic universe, or MCU as critics have come to call it. The film features big ticket actors such as Will Smith reprising his role as Mike Lowrey and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Paul Doyle.


The leaked memos have caused unparalleled panic to break out in the streets of Bozeman after rumors that Bay leveled the previous town in which he worked. Escaped refugees from previous  town revealed that Bay’s extravagant explosions left their homes in a state of ruin and turned their community into a wasteland. In response, Bozeman residents have fallen under three main camps of strategy.


Upon hearing the news, many grabbed what they could, leaving to forge a new life. Others retreated to the previously anachronistic fallout shelters to wait out the Baypocolypse. The most radical citizens have decided to take up firearms and face the director in armed conflict. One of these brave fighters, local UPS driver Arturo Filante, said that he will “fight that son of a gun to the bitter end.” Although noble, history predicts that this resistance will be futile as Bay travels with a trained military force in order to combat the many obstructions he has faced.


Bozeman officials are reportedly infuriated by the short notice given by Bay for his arrival to Bozeman. When asked about Bozeman’s contingency plan for such events, Mayor Cash Grabson said “we were prepared for James Cameron or even George Miller, but we never imagined something so horrible could happen to our quiet little town.” There have been efforts to facilitate escape routes and the building of bomb shelters but there is an air of defeat at city hall. Appeals to Governor Steve Bollocks for aid have been fruitless as the governor stated that “once [Bay] knows what he wants, there is no stopping him” in an official press release.  


When asked for comment, Bay replied that “if y’all have any gods, start praying now.”