If you read my column last week, you are expertly prepared in things to do on Valentine’s Day. This is extremely important in ensuring that you and your partner have a very special holiday, but it is perhaps just as important to know what not to do on Valentine’s Day. In this article, I will outline the most common mistake that romantic amateurs continually commit and demonstrate how this problem can be fixed.
In my experience with first dates, the majority of dates go awry when you are talking to your companion. In reality, the less you talk the better. For this reason, it is best to just take the conversation aspect out of the equation entirely. If you don’t talk, you won’t have a chance to accidentally let slip that haven’t washed the jeans your wearing in two weeks or that you write “Zoey 101” fan-fiction in your spare time. By reducing the amount of words you say, it will be impossible for them to get to know who you truly are.
For this technique, the ideal first date involves seeing a movie. Make sure that you are the one driving by insisting that you pick your partner up. Upon arriving at their house, honk your horn a few times to let them know that you are there. If it doesn’t seem like they are getting the memo, you can text them something impersonal like “here” but this should be a last resort. Once they get into the car, give your date a slight nod and play any jarring song that you might have at a high enough volume that it is impossible to hear each other.
When you get to the movie theater, mumble to the cashier about buying two tickets to the movie. If the cashier is unable to hear you, do not speak up but look hopelessly at your partner and it is possible that they will step in to buy the tickets. In this way, you can maximize your satisfaction by going on a date and seeing a movie for free. Be sure to choose a movie that promotes as little discussion as possible in order to avoid expressing your opinion on any potential topics.
Repeat the procedure for taking your companion home and shake hands once you drop them off. If you think that the date went especially well, it is possible to try to hug them but this is very risky. If everything has gone well, your date will have only heard you speak while talking to the cashier at the movie theater and you will remain shrouded in mystery.