As the student population of MSU is well aware, the City of Bozeman has been slacking when it comes to truly having a Blue and Gold State of Mind. For years, Bozeman has been perpetuating the societal standards put forth by a nation that is all too accepting of towns that lack school pride. But now, the City of Bozeman is on the brink of a massive, sweeping change. City Protocol Code 3253, having been unanimously approved by the City Council at last Tuesday’s March 29 meeting, is set to usher in a new era of Mountains and Minds pride. But what is CPC 3253, and what does it mean for MSU?
Within the hallowed halls of Montana State’s SUB, prospective students won’t find a single chain restaurant. Pizza Hut doesn’t sully the taste buds of the state’s best and brightest. McDonald’s’ golden arches are nowhere to be found, leaving the beautiful landscape of Union Market unmarred by the sight of commercialistic agendas. And that sludge-bucket, Taco Bell, keeps its offensive “food” far away from campus. No, unlike other universities, MSU has refused to conform to fast food America and has instead restricted itself to wholesome, unchained businesses. For example, Avogadro’s Number reflects Montana State’s tendency towards churning out numbers wizards and its love of sandwiches. What would “Subway” mean to an MSU student? Bozeman is a civilized society that recognizes man should restrict his means of transport to above the earth’s crust.
However, once students veer off of campus and finds themselves wandering the streets of Bozeman, it won’t be long before they come upon a restaurant that hasn’t willingly steeped itself in the warm blood of a Bobcat. But City Protocol Code 3253 is set to change all of that. CPC 3253 is a new law that essentially issued an ultimatum to all chain restaurants in Bozeman: change your name to something more reflective of MSU’s values, or you will be forced to vacate the Gallatin Valley. It’s a step in the right direction for the city, and several businesses have already begun to comply.
The restaurant formerly known as “Burger King” will henceforth be known as “Burger President Cruzaldo,” in honor of Her Appointed Highness, Montana State President Waldo Cruzaldo. Burger President Cruzaldo took their new found Bobcat pride one step further and even changed their slogan “Home of the Whopper” to “Second Home of the Bobcat.” Subway has officially changed its name to “Streamline” to better reflect MSU student’s main means of public transportation; McDonald’s is adopting the moniker “Linfield’s” as their new “old farmer” name; Jimmy John’s in becoming Jimmy Johnstone’s; and Pizza Hut is in the process of changing its name to Pizza Hall. Meanwhile, Taco Bell has changed its name to Taco Tell-Me-About-MSU. The university has issued an official statement to Taco Bell asking them to “Try harder.”
In response to the changes, President Cruzaldo issued the following statement: “We take pride in our university, and we’re delighted to see the community following in MSU’s lead when it comes to destabilizing the commercial food industry. Because, yes, while it’s comforting to find a McDonald’s in any city in America, Bozeman isn’t just any city. Bozeman is home to Montana State University, and that makes it the most unique place in the country. Therefore, we should not be expected to eat at any restaurant that is not as one-of-a-kind as our students.”
However, not all restaurants are happy about Bozeman’s new Protocol Code. KFC, in particular, has been on the warpath ever since the decision was announced.
“We have Kentucky in our name, Kentucky in our blood and, most importantly, Kentucky in our stomachs,” the company’s CEO, Colonel Sanders, said on Friday. “And they dare ask us to pander to the whims of a different state’s university? They suggested ‘Montana Fried Chicken’ and I almost threw up.”
Fortunately, KFC is in the minority, and most businesses are willingly complying with the changes. In a few short weeks, all of the chain restaurants in Bozeman will be bleeding Blue and Gold like the diehard Bobcat fans they are destined to be, and MSU students will feel less guilty about dining at their establishments.
Editors note: this article appeared in the March 31, 2016 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact firstname.lastname@example.org or (406)994-2224