Hi! I’m Baaaaaaaaartholomew! And I’m the Excrement’s new editor-in-chief. You can call me Bartholomew.
I know what you’re thinking. Is that a sheep? Yes. Yes, I am. Usual editor Nicole Duggan asked me to step in for a little while in her absence. After she and I met last semester at a Caffeine Addicts Anonymous meeting, we bonded over our mutual adoration for open spaces, our appreciation of bad puns and our shaky reflexes.
We later decided to quit rehab to continue our coffee-drinking ways, but we’ve remained close. I’ve been spending time grazing and contemplating existential questions on the plains of Wyoming. Nicole has meanwhile been editing the Excrement and studying political science. She only has about a month and a half until graduation, but it seems the stress from too many newspaper-induced papercuts was finally too much for her.
I’m sorry to report that earlier this week Nicole fled from the Excrement office screaming she was going to “make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here!” She hasn’t been seen since, but rumor has it she’s on the lamb drinking bathtub moonshine in a cave.
Anyway, she’s probably fine. I’m here to fill in.
Listen, I don’t want to get too rambunctious in my first column, but there is one topic at MSU that has really gotten my goat. Mascots.
Incoming ASMSU President Gweny Sasmsuk has said that her goal is to have a live bobcat mascot for football games to promote school spirit. This is the kind of thing that would make Nicole roll her obnoxiously-large eyes and mumble under her breath about a waste of time and resources.
But not me. In fact, I’m all for live mascots. But I urge Gweny and the folks at ASMSU to deploy a little more creativity and be a little bit cooler. What’s more fashionable and culturally “in” than just mascots? Throwbacks. Going old-school. How do we combine these things? Let me explain.
It’s well-known that MSU has long prided itself on being Montana’s only land grant university. In fact it was even the first thing that President Cruzaldo said to me when she personally picked me up at the airport. Less well-known is that before the mascot was changed to the “Bobcats” in 1916, it was the “Aggies.”
I think we should revert to this mascot. “Go Cats!” just really doesn’t have the same ring as “Go vague agriculturally-based mascot!” Of course, we’ll want a mascot to attend football games and live a lavish lifestyle of fame and riches. Something agricultural.
What’s that you say, reader? Maybe a sheep? What a good idea. Who me? Well I guess I’d consider it.
After that, it’ll probably be a good idea to implement further changes and expansions to make MSU as land-grant oriented as possible. Really put MSU’s money where its mouth is, you know.
Here’s a list of suggestions:
- First, institutionally increase support for open space. That new Jake Jabs Hall is a bit of an eyesore. It should probably be demolished to make room for something else. Maybe trees.
- Second, doors in buildings ought to be expanded and enlarged to allow for larger flocks of student groups to get through. They could also just be eliminated in order to promote free-range learning.
- Third, and in the same vein, all gates in major programs should be eliminated. Just on principle.
- Fourth, more time and money and resources should be aimed toward landscaping. MSU now waters its lawns barely six times a day. To increase maximum grazing potential, that’ll need to be increased to at least 34 times. This will really increase diversity on campus too. Right now I’m the only sheep and that’s really unacceptable.
- Finally, ban all dogs on campus. Even those on a leash. They are foul, aggressive, and noisy creatures that serve no purpose except to cajole and manipulate. MSU and the world is better off without them.
That’s it. Just small changes with massive ramifications to help MSU pull the wool off from over its eyes and be the truly great institution it could be.
As for me, until I get the call from Montana Hall with an offer to be the official MSU mascot, I’ll be up at the Excrement office. With a sheep at the wheel, what could go wrong?
“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 26, 2015 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact email@example.com or (406)994-2224.”