Keystone XL: More than a Pipe dream?

Keeping up with the latest in technology, the Coors Brewing Company announced plans of the Keystone XL Pipeline, a 658 mile long network that originates from the Coors Brewery in Golden, Colorado and connects cities throughout the West, including Denver, Bozeman, and Santa Fe, New Mexico. Stores and taverns across the Gallatin Valley are open to the new changes, but some in the community have concerns over the future of Bozeman’s beer.

Jerry Tolegate, a landscaper with a passion for cheap, warm and otherwise underwhelming beer, is the voice behind the anti-pipe movement. “I prefer my beer not to go through hundreds of miles of metal pipe before I drink it.”

Martha Tolegate, a landscaper’s wife who professionally tells the world how stupid and arrogant her husband is, added, “He is an imbecile. Beer makers already run it through pipe in the brewing process … What a hypocrite.”

Martha Tolegate, who is in staunch support of Keystone XL, has an additional proposal to run a pipeline from the grape-rich regions in Napa Valley and the Columbia Basin to bring wine to the Eastern seaboard and throughout the nation. “For me it’s not about the booze, it’s about national security,” she stated.

With 168 percent of Montana’s water-like beer being imported from places like North Korea, Atlantis and The International Space Station, many people believe Keystone XL will increase domestic brews and support the lighter-than-air beer industry within the United States. “Like foreign dependency on oil, foreign dependency on crappy beer is something that everyone talks about, but nobody does anything about, until now,” said Montana Senator Jon Tester. Tolegate added, “Once we figure out how to keep the beer from heating up in the pipes we might be able to drink it. In fact, I’ve got a bucket in the freezer that should be ready to drink in about an hour.”

In a report issued to the Department of Departmental United States Departments, Coors touted that 136 jobs will be added to the company, they might even let the intern Larry keep working even though he doesn’t really do anything.

Environmentalists argue that the benefits of having a pipeline that transfers millions of gallons of a yellow-like liquid resembling urine could have damaging short term and long term effects on the flora and fauna that inhabit the Rockies. Stormy Treehugger, who is the founder of People for the Ethical Elimination of Pipelines (PEEP), submitted an editorial (which no one read) to the Bozeman Fortnightly Chronicle which outlined the Environmental Impact in the event of a major spill while arguing for an executive veto of the pipeline from President Clinton. It is uncertain if Treehugger still thinks he is living in the 90s or if he is indeed ready for Hillary.

According to PEEP, if Keystone Light contaminated the water supply it would have no effect on the environment, because it is actually has less alcohol content than 78 percent of the rivers and streams in Colorado, Wyoming and Montana. Treehugger, who literally proved himself wrong by providing evidence for the other side, still is opposed to the Keystone Light and is planning a peaceful march on the Coors Headquarters. “I just need like to borrow a few hundred bucks from someone,” Treehugger stated, “so I can take the bus down there.”

As the debate rages on, disgusting beer prices continue to fall. It is so cheap that some bars and taverns are paying people to drink. At Bar Nein, located in downtown Bozeman, they are actually paying people 15 cents for every gallon of Keystone Light they drink. Regardless of the outcome of the Pipeline Decision, Coors plans to continue brewing Keystone Light, as they have cornered the market on ‘kayak’ beers — drinks that are so close to water, it is like being on a kayak.

“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 26, 2015 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact editor@exponent.montana.edu or (406)994-2224.”