Ideal recipe for the poor starving college student

With our miniscule, often non-existent college budgets, students tend to live off coffee (which in college is classified as its own food group), ramen and bread crumbs. How we gain the freshman 15 with the amount of money we have is something I’ll never understand. But today, I will introduce you to a scrumptious, simple, filling, energizing and college-budget friendly recipe.

This particular delectable recipe has been passed down from one college student to another, all the way from the very first starving college student who passed out in class from hunger. Never again will you have to live on a diet of ramen and coffee. Never again will you battle the ducks for their bread crumbs and lose. From this moment on, you will be a happy, healthy person, completely unrepresentative of the stereotypical college student.

Besides being easy on the wallet, this recipe is also very healthy and filling. There will not be any need for snacking in between meals once you try it out. And it is quick and easy to make, so no more being late to class just because you needed a second to put something in your stomach.

To get started, you are going to need a few basic items. You will want to have on hand a kitchen (if a kitchen is not readily available, you can always use the bathroom), as well as a few standard kitchen ingredients, such as spices and other edible things. You also need to make sure that you have a hair dryer, light bulb, pliers, a garden hose, blow torch and surgical mask, as well as emergency service numbers on your speed dial. You may or may not need a toilet bowl and a toaster. It is imperative that the toaster is a wet/dry toaster.

You will want to ensure that your kitchen and/or bathroom has been fully evacuated of any non-cooking personnel. This can normally be completed with the aid of country music. Clear the hose of any excess water by placing one end of the hose in your mouth and shouting One Direction lyrics. Then put the light bulb in the end of the garden hose. Next, place the hair dryer in the dishwasher and turn it on. In the absence of a dishwasher, place it in the toilet and flush. In the absence of a toilet, place the plug end in your mouth and swallow.

When you have your ingredients ready (this includes and is not limited to the spices and other edible things), you are going to have to make sure that you place them in a burlap sack and bury them in the back yard over night, so they can soak up all the healthy vitamins and minerals that you are surrounded with. If a passing animal chooses to fertilize that particular area, no worries, you can just recycle.

To ensure the safety and lives of yourself and those around you, and to avoid the loss of limb, life, or eyesight, it is of the highest and most vital importance that you do not, under any conditions

“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 26, 2015 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact editor@exponent.montana.edu or (406)994-2224.”