Girls shouldn’t game

The past few years, with the Gamergate scandal among the typical general complaints of unfair portrayal and harassment toward female gamers, sexism has become a hot button topic in the video game industry.

While I don’t condone threats of violence, it’s true; women don’t belong in the gaming community or industry. I expect now to hear a multitude of cheering from my single, male audience and vehement opposition from everyone else. Why can’t women game? Simply put, the female gender isn’t physically, emotionally or socially cut out for gaming.

First of all, we have tiny, slim and delicate fingers that cannot properly reach all of the keyboard keys or effectively manipulate thumb sticks on controllers. I had to type this very article using a specially-made women’s keyboard. You can’t imagine the trouble hotkeys give me. Also, women have historically been the gatherers of society, and from that we have evolved traits different to men. We are less aggressive and simply unused to the violence needed for hunting or blowing apart rival soldiers and orcs. The empathy inherent in our gender makes us pause and consider the effects of killing Unnamed Soldier #2. That pause is fatal when participating in online tournaments or matches.

Similarly, women constantly complain that female characters (for the most part) don’t portray real women at all, instead opting to show off bulbous breasts and butts barely concealed by strip-of-cloth armor. This complaint is unfair. After all, women are supposed to be admired and ogled at every opportunity. Obviously no girl would want to play as anyone less than her perfect self. And, of course, her perfect self has replaced personality with triple-H size breasts. This is the highest goal all women hope to achieve. Having to listen to complaints about these beautiful characters and fearing the removal of all games’ eyecandy, women shouldn’t be allowed to see games at all, much less play them.

Further, playing against women is perhaps the worst thing to befall man since the institution of pre-nuptials. Losing to a female, if you are male, is an absolute disgrace. You are emasculated and will forever be mocked by your friends. By winning, she has stolen your manhood. The only way to regain it is by hurling accusations of cheating, citing the unfair distractions of her womanly curves. Or simply tell her she’s hideous until she cries. That works too. It only gets worse if you have a girlfriend. You have to lose every game you play against her. If you win, you may as well be single again for all the sex you won’t be having. She won’t understand that practice and skill are necessary to win. Therefore, it is better to get a girl that doesn’t share your interests in the least. That way you can spend all day gaming while she cooks, cleans or shops for lingerie. Sharing the special bond that comes with dating someone who enjoys and excels at the things you enjoy and excel at is overrated. Girl gamers, thusly, are completely undateable. Though this hardly needs to be said, all women gamers are ugly because female nerds are always homely. Only by renouncing their gaming ways can they blossom like butterflies from the cocoon and become beautiful and worthy mates.

If you are a female gamer, stop right now. Go make your man a sandwich while he levels up. I’ll be in the kitchen doing the same.

“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 26, 2015 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact or (406)994-2224.”