Head football coach Bob Dust raised eyebrows throughout the sports world at the spring football scrimmage last Saturday, March 21. Dust, the coach for the Bobcats for the last eight years, appeared with two dark unblinking eyes, a cold calculating demeanor and a body comprised entirely of metal. While the first two characteristics are completely normal, the metal frame sparked questions from the press.
Speaking in a low-pitched monotone computerized voice, Dust addressed the media, “Greetings, Insert Name Here. This unit, Bob Dust, is the unquestioned ruler of the so-called Bobcats. All hail Dust.”
In conversations with Bobcats offensive coordinator Dom Ramsey, it was revealed Dust had been sporting the metallic appearance since February. Speculation has run rampant as to Dust’s change in physical appearance. Biologists are stumped, physical therapists baffled and art majors weren’t asked about the subject. Possible causes hypothesized by the experts include a botched spray tan, an all-iron diet or prolonged exposure to Sean Hannity. However, the change in appearance has apparently gone unnoticed by the Bobcats’ coaching staff and players.
When asked if Coach Dust’s robotic voice had raised any alarm amongst the players and coaching staff, Ramsey said, “Not really, he sounds exactly like that all the time.”
Dust did not speak for long with the media, but did take a Valvoline break midway through the press conference, adding only that, “The young humans will continue to conform to the specifications set forth by this unit, Bob Dust. They will be upgraded. This conversation is now over. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error.”
When asked if Coach Dust’s unrevealing, colorless interviews devoid of humor had raised any eyebrows amongst his inner cycle, Ramsey responded, “Nope, that sounds like Dust to me. Frankly he seems exactly the same. Literally, he seems exactly the same. I cannot emphasize enough the level of sameness I am implying. Frankly I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Excrement pursued Dust for additional explanation after Saturday’s press conference. Dust spoke only once, saying in his usual robotic monotone, “Bob Dust and the army of the Cybermen will assimilate the youth of this planet and use their superior numbers and physical agility to topple the governments of the Earth, and the Cybermen will establish absolute eternal rule over the beings of this planet. All others will be deleted. Exterminate the Doctor! Exterminate! Exterminate!”
When asked if Coach Dust’s schemes of world domination, coupled with a tendency to speak in the third person, as well as the fact that a Cyberman parody erroneously included a phrase spoken by the Daleks, had caused any suspicion, Ramsey mused, “You know, now that I think about it … he has spoken in the third person a lot more than he used to. Otherwise he’s the same old coach.”
“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 26, 2015 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact email@example.com or (406)994-2224.”