MSU Police Department (MSUPD) received a call on March 18 from an employee at the registrar’s office in Montana Hall who said she heard a “strange mooing sound” coming from what she believed was the top floor. Further investigation revealed a live cow was standing on the top floor of Montana Hall. Unsure of how to handle the situation, MSUPD called the Bozeman police as well as the local animal control unit.
The team attempted to coax the cow down the stairs but the bewildered bovine refused to move. A pan of grain and a flake of hay were used as bait to try and convince her to move but according to one witness she would step closer in an attempt to get the feed but refused to step down the stairs. Brute force was an option the team considered but as animal control office Jim Johnson said, “The last thing we need is a cow crashing down the stairs. That would be a huge hole in the wall.”
Johnson and others decided that the only way to get the cow out would be to remove windows and use a crane. They found out that the crane was unable to come to their rescue until late afternoon. During this time employees at the registrar’s office were charged with packing buckets of water and flakes of hay up to the cow.
An animal control officer soon realized that the cow had a calf, which explained the cows increasingly agitated behavior as she was unable to be with her calf. Towards the end of the afternoon the cow’s caretakers had to run and dodge the cow by throwing the hay at her as she ran at them towards the stairs. Despite her rage she still refused to go down the stairs.
Earlier that afternoon at the BART Farm, an employee had noticed a bawling calf that seemed to be missing its mother. News of the cow fiasco on campus reached the farm and after counting the cows in the pen where the lost calf was they came up short one cow. An employee traveled to the farm to examine the cow and found it had the proper brand and ear tag and belonged back at the BART Farm.
In the meantime, rumors spread on campus that the cow was going to be killed and dressed out on the spot. The campus animal rights group “Cats for Peace” organized a small gathering outside the registrar’s office demanding the cow’s safe removal from the building and return to her home. The rumor was false and after several minutes of convincing, the students returned to the liberal arts class they were skipping.Club President Joe Smith organized the protest. “All we want to see is the cow safely reunited with its lonely baby. A happy cow is all we want,” Smith said.
Around 4:30 p.m. the crane and other necessary equipment arrived to remove the cow. The cow was still rather upset about the situation and to keep her from hurting herself, she was tranquilized. The team removed the necessary windows in the building, fastened straps around her body and safely lowered her to the ground around 5:30 p.m.
MSUPD reported on March 25, that the perpetrators of the event had been found. Two computer science majors hired a member of the MSU Rodeo Team to load the cow in their trailer and haul her to campus. The three then simply ran the cow up the stairs of the building. The two students didn’t have any real motive besides a prank.
The cow is now safely back at the farm.
“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 26, 2015 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact firstname.lastname@example.org or (406)994-2224.”