Burger Politics: the disturbing red and gold truth behind the blue and gold athletic department

College sports programs are no strangers to scandal. From the recruiting scandal currently plaguing Syracuse, the Cam Newton controversy at Auburn, or the University of North Carolina paper classes casting aspersion upon the very idea of student-athletes, you don’t even really have to pay attention to notice these issues. What if you knew there were even more insidious dealings underway, even here in Bozeman?

From Albany to San Diego, not even the world’s greatest detective could find someone who hasn’t heard of the fast food chain restaurant McDonalds. The golden arches are omnipresent, lining main streets in every town, and in some cases casting dark shadows. With over a billion served, Micky D’s has earned its popularity and its infamy, thanks in part, to their delicious (depending on your standards) double cheeseburgers.

Montana State’s athletic department entered into a partnership in recent seasons with the restaurant giant, creating a promotion where if at football games the Cats doubled their opponents score all the fans in attendance would receive free double cheeseburgers and at basketball games if the team made over 11 three-pointers the fans get that sweet free meat.

But much to many fans disappointment, despite having a dominant football team and a basketball team that loves shots from beyond the arc, in the over 22 combined home games between the two teams free burgers were only given away twice. This startling discrepancy may simply be the result of bad luck on paper, but in person it certainly appears that something more than the teams were at play.

In an alarming number of instances, the basketball team easily hit 10 threes, but when the time came for that all-important 11th trey, the Bobcats would clank shot after shot off the iron, not even particularly close to hitting home. Additionally, the MSU football team would often settle for field goals instead of touchdowns late in games or allow a team to score just enough to avoid doubling their rivals, leaving fans hungry and confused.

Occam’s Razor states that the simplest answer is most often the correct answer. This of course would lead any rational observer to realize that Montana State University’s athletic department is under the thumb of Ronald McDonald himself. McDonalds has both the power and the money to influence the games in such a manner. Coaches Bob Dust and Ryan Trout have clearly, systematically and intentionally altered their game plans when burgers were on the line.

Disturbingly, there is no way to tell how high up this red and yellow conspiracy goes. When there are literally thousands of burgers on the line, who knows who gave into the McDon’s lobby and temptation to prevent our students from hunger satiation. Where are these burgers going? Is the athletic department getting the burgers instead? The situation won’t change until we, the students and fans, wake up and recognize the truth. We need to hold our coaches and athletic department accountable for the free burgers they are losing us. We need to stand up and demand better, especially from our football team’s defense and our basketball teams half court offense, if nothing else so we can taste the double cheesy goodness on the dime of Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar and the rest of their cadre.

“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 26, 2015 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact editor@exponent.montana.edu or (406)994-2224.”