“Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for flying Always Late Airlines. We apologize for being delayed two hours. There was one loose screw on the food cart, and we seem to have misplaced a few of your bags. However, we sincerely hope to assist you with making your connections. Once we land, please look for the long line of frustrated travelers standing in front of a counter, waiting for the one employee who is somewhat literate to help resolve every itinerary problem you now have.
“Although the flight is five hours, there is no complimentary meal service, which is why your ticket was only $800. But don’t worry, you will have plenty of time to eat in the airport. We will even give you a $10 meal voucher, which should at least get you a medium-sized Jamba Juice smoothie. If there is not another connecting flight leaving the airport tonight, we may even pay for you to spend the night in a nearby hotel so you can catch a shuttle back to the airport at 4 a.m. in the morning.
“During the flight there will be snacks for purchase. One peanut is the usual price of $13 while cookies are on sale for $25. If you should like a taste of wine, we will gladly serve you a one-ounce glass bottle for $30. For entertainment, there is an on-flight subscription service that will give you access to all of today’s hottest networks. Two hours of access will only be $30, and if you’re flying with a group, three subscriptions will save you one dollar. For your enjoyment, we will repetitively play one old episode of some washed up television comedy.
“Please place your smallest bags in the overhead storage so that those with actual luggage will be forced to cram their belongings underneath the seat in front of them. While you are stowing your belongings in the overhead storage, please pay no attention to the person sitting below you. Take the time now to ensure that your handheld device is in airplane mode, and imagine that everyone else isn’t still playing Trivia Crack. If you have children on the plane, please don’t restrain them from drumming on the tray-tables or kicking the seat in front, as this is a sure way to convince aggravated passengers to buy first-class tickets on their next flight.
“If you are flying first-class, we would like to congratulate you on being one of our preferred passengers. Enjoy the two extra inches of elbow space, and the curtain that separates you from the unclean masses behind you. All passengers, please direct your attention to the nearest flight attendant as they point out the flight’s safety features and demonstrate how to use the oxygen mask with a vivacity only found in those who truly love their job. Now that the food tray has been fixed, we expect to wait at the gate for only another hour. Don’t worry, you’ve already missed your connection to Bozeman. So sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.”
Always Late Airlines
“Editors note: this article appeared in the March 26, 2015 edition of the Exponent, the “Excrement”. The edition is the annual April Fool’s edition of the paper. All articles are satire. For questions and comments please contact email@example.com or (406)994-2224.”