As part of the largest investigation in U.S. history, FBI director James Comey released a statement outlining the details behind one of the most audacious plots the mob has ever attempted.
“They literally tied a string to a cloud and pulled it from Livingston, all the way to Boston,” Comey stated, “This takes the phrase ‘Make it rain’ to a whole new level.”
Although most of the information is classified due to the ongoing investigation, several reports were released. These include instances of privateers paid directly by ski resorts on the East Coast, shoveling snow into trucks and driving it cross-country and even a 1987 plot to remove the entirety of Mt. Shasta from California, put it on a boat and ship it to Rhode Island.
“There is a long history of eastern resorts targeting the west to get snow, but we never anticipated they would go through the mafia,” Comey explained, “The worst part is it freaking worked.”
Meteorologists and climatologists have been puzzled by the meager snowfall and unseasonably warm conditions that have been affecting communities from Oregon to Colorado. Everything became clear last Wednesday, however, when hundreds of mobsters were caught red handed by Billings Police. Tied to their vehicles was an entire storm system that would have brought over three feet of fresh powder to northern Idaho and western Montana.
Billings Chief of Police Richard St. John stated, “We apprehended the criminals and the clouds are safely being kept in our garage until the F.B.I is finished with the difficult investigation.”
The investigation was complicated when information was leaked that the Obama Administration allegedly covered up the plot by fabricating propaganda and explaining away the shift with ridiculous theories like climate change and science. In exchange, the Italian Mafia Association of America agreed to stop busting people’s kneecaps, which the president hopes will lower health care costs nationally.
Once this information was leaked to the public, people became livid with rage. Keef Rosingol, a columnist for the Denver Post, orchestrated several protests speaking out against the president and the lack of snow in many skiing destinations in the Mountain West. Rosingol declined to be interviewed, but in an email stated “Thanks, Obama.”
The latest scandal comes just weeks after Patriots coach Bill Belichick blackmailed Seahawk’s quarterback Russell Wilson into throwing away the Super Bowl. Belly-dancer and English professor Dr. Rhonda Winfield, in an open letter to Bozeman politicians, voiced the concerns of many by stating, “What’s next? Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin are the two nominees for President? As a nation, we need to get our act together before the rest of the world hates us.”
In response to Dr. Winfield, local pessimist John Smith said, “Too late.”