Duck saves mallard lives

In recent news, the duck pond has been invaded by blowgun-wielding humans. The situation was looking dire as the administration was unable to catch and de-dart the ducks. But just when people were beginning to give up hope on the future of the pond community, strange things started happening. Several students were seen at Student Health Services with what appeared to be large bites, bruises and bumps; feathers have been appearing in the hair of a few other anonymous students, as well as one professor. When questioned, they refused to comment on what happened, but due to the blow guns that were found in their bags, it was suspected that ducks were involved.

Then, Wednesday, Feb. 18, the mystery was solved. Police arrived at the pond at 7:23 p.m. following a call about harassment of the duck community. Upon arrival, police saw a large duck who appeared to be wearing a mask brutally attacking two students who had been attempting to empty the pond (there were no comments on how exactly they planned to attempt this). The students have been taken into custody, and have not yet released any apology for their fowl attacks. Workers from Fish, Wildlife, and Ponds are attempting to bring in the duck whom students have fondly named “Quackerjack” to explain its side of the story, while we at the Exponent are attempting to find Quackerjack for a comment.

While many students organizations such as the Ecology Club, Treehuggers Committee, and the Superhero Club are happy to see the ducks protected, others involved in hunting, fishing, and wildlife organizations are disgruntled. “How are we supposed to enjoy the duck pond if we can’t get near it?” commented a member of the MSU Hunters Club, as he ordered roast duck at an anonymous restaurant.

Quackerjack’s origins remain anyone’s guess. Rumor has it that Quackerjack is none other than the large black duck that has been seen around the pond in recent months while the suspects in the case are reporting that Quackerjack is actually a very large Canadian Goose. However, samples taken of feathers and bite dentition have disproved this rumor; it was, in fact, a duck. It is suspected that this particular rumor was an attempt for the students to save face.

As of this morning, President Cruzaldo has yet to release a statement, but police are urging everyone to stay away from the pond until further notice. Police officer Drake Wing commented, “We are not yet sure that Quackerjack knows friends from enemies.” The last time the duck was seen, it was attempting to destroy the caution tape that has been placed around the pond for students’ protection.