Sugarbeet: Invasive Species Cause for State of Emergency in Montana

Gov. Steve Bullock declared a state of emergency earlier today just weeks after Colorado and Utah took direct action against the invasive “snowboarder” which is threatening sensitive powder and mogul habitat for skiers across the nation.

This comes in conjunction with a report issued from the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) stating that snowboarders have a “catastrophic” effect on the environment and are a direct threat to high altitude biospheres all over the mountain West.

Snowboarders, also known as knuckle-draggers or tray-racers, appeared in ski hills and resorts in the mid-80s and have been a constant pest ever since, taking up too much room on chair-lifts, littering the mountain with empty mountain dew cans, and even falling down in front of skiers causing dangerous collisions.

The National Ski Patrol is working extensively to maintain control and order on slopes throughout the country. By increasing the number of terrain parks and vending machines, the agency hopes to draw snowboarders away from moguls and open bowls that the proliferating species is known to ruin.

Ever since Washington and Colorado legalized recreational marijuana, ski hills and resorts have seen a 30 percent increase in accidents involving dreadlocks getting caught in chair lifts, as well as shortages in snack foods such as Cheetos and Sour Patch Kids. According to the EPA this is because the scent of cannabis attracts all snowboarders in a 20 mile radius, and the pests are known to group together which clogs previously vacant runs.

The report from the EPA outlines the spread of snowboarders and how local and state governments have let this threat go relatively unchecked. One such failure occurred when the Oregon State Legislature put a ban on snowboard production in the mid-90s, with hopes that the “scrape apes” would die off or migrate away from the area. The attempt saw little results, as the snowboarders simply improvised by using cardboard and duct tape.

Critics of the EPA say that it is just another ploy by the Obama Administration to increase federal power by manipulating the crisis for political gain. Phil Sinclair, a professor of English and liberal arts at the University of Montana in Missoula, issued a statement challenging the EPA’s report and bringing the Obama Administration under fire. In an open letter to lawmakers he stated, “Snowboarders is not good but their not dat bad.”

The Governor confronted Sinclair’s remark, stating simply, “Everything was peaceful, until the fire nation attacked.”

The state of emergency will be in effect until July in Montana. Citizens are advised to stock up on water and food. If you see a snowboarder in your area, contact local authorities and proceed with caution. Winter is coming.