Earlier this week a foreign exchange student, freshman Lukas Contarini, was enjoying a typical late afternoon lunch at the Miller dining hall after class when the unthinkable happened. Contarini reported finding a four-inch rubber band in his chicken alfredo pasta, served by Miller employees at around 2 p.m. According to the account he gave MSU Health Services, he was approximately halfway through his plate when to his dismay he encountered what seemed to be an endlessly chewy bite of pasta. “I just keep biting and biting and couldn’t penetrate the pastas, but it tasted pretty good still,” Contarini said. A Brazilian native, Contarini isn’t accustomed to American cafeteria cuisine, and didn’t realize anything was amiss at first. Nevertheless he spit out the faux pasta and immediately contacted the nearest RA, leaving the whole mess untouched for evidence.
While this came as quite a shock to many here on campus, Miller employees were not surprised. According to Janis Murphy, student food specialist, this is just the start of a new program leading into the holidays to diversify the dining menus and aid the Student Health Services after a clerical error resulted in a overshipment of office supplies. According to Murphy, Staples delivered five thousand times the amount of rubber bands ordered by Health Services. MSU President Cruzaldo came to the decision to deal with this surplus by requesting all the dining halls utilize the rubber bands in the upcoming holiday menu to both save costs and spice up the menu.
Cruzaldo has also announced that the meat used for tacos and chicken burgers will also be undergoing a change: duck meat will be making an appearance in the future. “After careful thought, I realized we had the chance to save an enormous amount of money while also providing my favorite meal to students,” Cruzaldo said. “I eat duck at least four to five times a week, typically in my office.”
Reactions to this announcement have become chaotic, as students across campus are now running to the duck pond to save their favorite ducks from Cruzaldo’s new measures. “As soon as I heard about all this, I knew I couldn’t let Cruzaldo steal away my oldest friend on campus,” junior Maya Perrier said. “I grabbed a pillow case and rescued Mr. Quackins before he could be hurt.”
Students have long considered the dining halls at MSU to be barely capable of sustaining life, but latest polls show their popularity is at an all time low. Sitting a few tables down from Contarini during the rubber band event was Montana native freshman Matthew Gagliardi, who witnessed the scene. “I saw him spit out a rubber band, man, that’s not cool, I was eating that pasta,” Gagliardi said. He now plans to transfer out-of-state at the end of the semester due to being thoroughly upset with what he saw. Multiple rumors have spread across campus about possible future budget cuts, but Cruzaldo declined to comment.