New “Foster” Grant Takes Effect at MSU

There is a major housing crisis at MSU. The student population surpassed 15,000 in 2013 (the largest in the university’s history), and this fall has seen the largest ever incoming class of freshman. This rapid expansion of enrollment shows no sign of slowing, and campus housing has begun to feel the strain of a burgeoning population of residents. Construction on a new residence hall has already begun, but until it is finished the Residence Hall Association (RHA) is desperate to find beds for students.

With this in mind the RHA collaborated with the Financial Aid office to create a novel way to both house students and make the university look good. The new program, dubbed the “Foster” Grant, will house students with university professors. Professors will provide a living space for students, as well as cook for them in lieu of a dining hall. In return, the professors will receive an “appropriate” stipend for their time and effort.

In an act of solidarity university president Waldo Cruzaldo has also agreed to take on a resident, praising the program with her trademark copious zeal. In a press conference held Tuesday Cruzaldo stated, “This new program will really help us grow stronger as a university. I’ve always said that we are all family here at Montana State, but now I don’t just mean that figuratively!” As part of an experiment to test the viability of the program, Cruzaldo has been housing a freshman at her residence for the duration of the summer. When asked about this, Cruzaldo replied “Oh yes my little foster-Cat has been having a blast! I only wish he would keep his grades up and find a girlfriend.”

When reached for comment, the student wished to remain anonymous, fearing teasing from other students should he be revealed. “It was terrible,” the freshman said, “she threw away all of my clothes that weren’t blue or gold. Whenever I tried to go and hang out with friends she would ask me if my homework was done. And don’t even get me started about the food. Everything she eats is blue and gold. I can’t tell you how many times I ate corn and mashed potatoes that were dyed blue. Also every time I saw her on campus she would wave and shout my name until I waved back.”

As part of the experiment, another professor also housed a freshman over the course of the summer. However professor Jan Smith of the College of Letters and Science did not have the same success as the president. “It was all fine until he rushed for a fraternity” Smith said. “There was hardly any room in the house to begin with, so we had to throw him in my four-year-old’s room, at least temporarily. And it was actually going alright until he joined that frat. You could say it went a little downhill after that. We had to pull the plug after the second rager. Luckily my four-year-old was at my mother’s at the time.” Smith refused to reveal the name of either the student or the fraternity for fear of legal repercussions. “Oh, and, by the way, the ‘stipend’ I received was a lifetime supply of Campus Special coupon books.”

But for better or worse, the program has been approved, and applications are available in the Office of Financial Aid on campus. The application consists of a 5-page essay detailing your reasons for wanting to join the program, an academic transcript and a fifty dollar application fee. Students have been told to act quickly, since it will most likely take a few weeks to select the recipients.