Facebook games my mom plays

I’m fairly certain that “Facebook games” make up their own category of gaming at this point. Unfortunately, when you suggested that your mom try a game out so she could understand why you flunked out of Chemistry 101. When Skyrim came out, you didn’t intend to create a person obsessed with the timing of their 27 Facebook games and who now defines “family-time” as sending you another game request. In the interest of serving all gamers’ interests, I’ve set out to profile and play the five least heinous Facebook games.

Jane Austen Unbound

I love literature, Jane Austen and hilariously badly-thought out video games. This is all three, with the added bonus of trying to get everyone I know to play it with me. Basically, the point of the game is to unscramble all of Austen’s characters and fix their love lives so they end up living through the books in which they belong. Possibly the saddest part of the game is that it expects players to have a fairly extensive background knowledge of Austen’s novels. This is a Facebook game. I can’t remember the last time I looked at my news feed and didn’t see at least six misspelled words, 12 grammar errors and four hashtags. Is this really the right audience for a game about literature?

Yummy Balls

This is basically Plonko with poorly thought out design and an even more poorly thought out name. It’s fun in the same way watching a confused cat is fun, entertaining, but you just can’t shake off the feeling that you’re doing something at least slightly shameful. I’m not sure what the mascot of the game is supposed to be, but it looks a bit like Mr. Mint’s sperm.

It Girl

Have you ever wanted to make money simply by looking the best at every party you go to? Play this game. That is literally all you do. That money you earn can’t even be used to pay for anything other than clothes. As if Facebook needed to be more vapid.

Happy Family

I feel like this game will offend anyone who tries to play it. The family is all white, live on what I’m assuming is supposed to be a farm and are so saccharinely sweet to each other that it makes me feel like I’m playing a disillusioned soccer mom’s wish-fulfillment fantasy. Not to mention that the wife does all the chores like feeding the animals and picking the fruits and vegetables you grow and the husband mows the lawn, removes rocks and chops down trees. Is this the 1950s? I’m pretty sure I can mow the lawn and pick up rocks, just like I can vote.

The saddest part are the text messages from the son and daughter, which talk about hugs and kisses and involve lots of smiley emoticons. The last time I texted my mom it was more like this: “Ok, I’ll check my email to read that thing you forwarded me about that cat.” And if we go back to when I was younger, … It’s fairly safe to say there wasn’t any mention of kisses and definitely not even a whole lot of amiability.

Fitness City

I’ve really been getting into the fitness craze lately and doing cleanses and such … I’m kidding, I’m in college. I eat more ramen than I’m pretty sure is safe. But look! A fitness game on Facebook, maybe that will help me change my habits! I mean, obviously it won’t. It’ll probably make them worse because I now have one more activity I can do while sitting on my butt with my laptop. Don’t tell that to the developers though — they greet each new achievement you’ve unlocked with a new fitness or health tip. I guess I haven’t been playing long enough to see any physical benefits yet.