The ongoing conflict in Ukraine has stirred up all too real memories of the Cold War. But these memories seem to be making the transition to reality as Vladimir Lenin rose from the dead in Moscow last Friday. Eye witnesses report seeing the long dead Soviet Premiere suddenly become conscious and break through the glass coffin where he lay embalmed for some 90 years in Moscow.
“He just punched through the glass,” explained witness Dimitri Petrov, “then he stood up, adjusted his tie and said ‘The Motherland needs me’ and left.” Lenin could be seen briskly walking through the streets of Moscow and the Red Square until he entered the Kremlin.
Thereafter the Russian government shortly held a press conference so that Lenin could address the world. Lenin explained that he was never actually dead, and that he awakes when he feels that “capitalism threatens the motherland.” He promised to put an end to the revolt in Ukraine by personally intervening in the “western-backed uprising.” He then promptly ended the conference, promising that “the capitalist dogs will feel the hammer and sickle of the proletariat.”
The U.S. Government quickly scheduled a rebuttal press conference in which President Barack Obama revealed the existence of a secret CIA program he claims was established towards the end of the Cold War.
“The project was started with the future in mind” explained Obama, “a future that may have held threats to the United States — threats that may have emerged from soviet sources.” He declined to answer any direct questions about the mysterious defense program, but instead assured the press that it would prove an effective deterrent for the recent resurrection of the Bolshevik patriarch. The president stepped aside and gestured off-stage.
Former President Ronald Reagan then entered the room. When asked what he would do to oppose the threat, Reagan responded by saying, “Well, I guess if he insists on oppressing the freedom of the Ukrainian people, then I’ll just have to kick his butt, by George.”
So as Russian forces push into Ukraine, the stage is being set for a clash of ideology, regime and history on an epic scale. Vice President Joe Biden is reportedly setting up a nation-wide betting racket on the fight — the current odds are 2:1 on Reagan and 3:1 on Lenin.