Mysterious closet-shaped building discovered near Sochi

A strange, closet-shaped building was found recently on the outskirts of Sochi. The discovery was made by a group of reporters who were trekking into the Caucus wilderness in search of fresh water.

“We were told that the water at the hotel should not be consumed by humans, so we decided to see if we could find some fresh stuff out in the forest,” Bob Anderson, one of the reporters that discovered the building, “Morale was really low after we lost Leslie to that wolf pack, but that’s when we saw it,” explained Anderson.

The building itself is about ten stories tall, rectangular and windowless. Its façade is a combination of brick and concrete — the front of which has been shaped to look like a gargantuan pair of closet doors, complete with protruding handles. It seems to have been crudely camouflaged, as pine boughs have been suspended at random intervals along the walls. A small sign in front of the building’s entry way reads “Nothing to see here. Move along.”

When the mysterious building was brought up at a press conference with Russia’s President Vladimir Putin, the topic was quickly cast aside. “The Russian wilderness can have strange effects on foreigners, especially reporters and liberals. It is probably best if you ignore everything they say and just listen to me” rebuffed Putin after several unanswered questions on the matter.

He then quickly changed the topic and announced his apparent change of stance on the presence of gay athletes in the currently ongoing Winter Olympics: “There has been a great misunderstanding between ‘those people’ and myself, and I wish to set things straight. I hereby invite all of ‘those people’ to a big party after the Olympics at a remote, secure resort. It will be so much fun they will never want to leave. Ever.”

Putin then began to expound on the “party,” but a reporter interrupted him with a question as to why he was dodging the topic of the closet-building. Angered by the interruption, Putin violently removed his shirt and had to be held back by KGB agents while the members of the press were quickly escorted out. The interrupting reporter and his entire extended family have not been heard from since.

Several athletes were reached out to for comment, but all said they were “late for an appointment in the recreation room.”