The Sugarbeet Surmises: A Guide to Marga Hoseus Fitness Center Wildlife

Bozeman is famous the world over for its unique wildlife dwelling in her bountiful forests and mountains, but some of the most unique animals of all dwell within the city limits. The Marga Hoseus Fitness Center has developed a reputation for playing host to the strangest life forms dwelling in Southwest Montana. Fancying a trip to the gym? Make sure you check out this handy catalogue of indigenous species first:

  • Juicing Howler Ape: This species is characterized by its unnatural muscle bulk and tight tank top shirts. Juicing Howlers earn their name by grunting and yelling loudly when lifting weights. Their diets are known to consist of anabolic steroids and low-grade Chinese amphetamines.

  • New Year Gym Fairy: This seasonal primarily-female species (though males are known to appear from time to time) is characterized by its brand new workout clothes and misplaced look of determination. Usually appears at the don of a new year or semester, chanting resolutions to become thin, but slowly migrate to bars as the semester wears on.

  • Neglecting Flamingo: Thought to be a relative of the Juicing Howler Ape. This creature evolved as leg day was skipped so often its lower extremities evolved to resemble skeletal sticks in contrast to its beefy upper body.

  • Occupying Wolf: Forget waiting to use the bench press when a group of these beasts enter the gym. Packs of five or more will occupy a single piece of equipment for hours at a time, with their inane boasting about sex and partying slowing them down further.

  • Pining Womandrill: Dressed ornately and the only one wearing jewelry on the gym floor, she is possibly the most noticeable species at the gym. The Womandrill often does little actual exercise and prefers to prostrate her spandex-clad backside in hopes of attracting a mate.

Now that you know what wildlife awaits, you can have a safer trip to the gym. Or, alternately, you can adventure to the gym in the early morning hours, when none of these creatures have yet to awaken, and therefore will not be around to annoy you. Happy exercising!