PETA Involved in Scandal

by Brook Gardner-Durbin

PETA officials were sent into defensive mode earlier this week when it was revealed the animal rights organization had been deliberately sabotaging many college cafeterias across the nation. The scandal broke when a PETA employee, working undercover at MSU’s Bobcat Grill, served a student a near-raw chicken patty on their sandwich. “It was still clucking,” said the student, who asked not to be named. “I brought it back to complain, and it turned out the guy that gave it to me was not a real MSU employee at all.”

While the PETA employee is not currently facing criminal charges, the District Attorney is still considering pressing charges. “It doesn’t seem much actual damage was done,” the DA said, “though serving raw chicken could have potentially been a health risk is the student hadn’t noticed.”

“I’ve been giving out raw chicken for months,” said the PETA mole. “If people saw their daily lunches bloody, straight from the slaughterhouse, maybe they’d remember they’re eating helpless animals.”

It is not yet clear whether PETA was also responsible for burgers being stockpiled for three days before being served or if that is standard MSU policy.