Writer completely blows off satire assignment

SugarBeet editor Boulder James reported being panicked last night as he realized the writer assigned to the section this week had missed his deadline and hadn’t even begun working on his article. The neglect of this assignment has put James into a “bad spot,” and, “That lazy cretin is going to get hit in the face with a hot shovel if I only have one article this week.”

Though the writer claimed he was “very busy” over the weekend, sources close to him indicate his weekend actually consisted of binge drinking Doctor Who-themed mixes at a birthday party and a 28-film Godzilla marathon. This coincided with James noticing a drunken slur in the writer’s voice when telephoning him and hearing what appeared to a whiskey pong game in the background.

When the writer finally submitted his piece, James noted it consisted of no actual writing and was just a poorly drawn stick figure picture of the Mighty Thor riding a flaming grizzly bear. In response to this, James stated the writer was, “Definitely fired.”